2012 Roundup and Happy Belated New Year

I’ve tried writing a bunch of stuff since the new year came in. Hell, I’ve even tried sorting something out since uni finished. I’ve tried to muse on a bunch of stuff, and what begins as a basic overview of something always turns into an in-depth analysis that I feel warrants a better blog post than what I give it at the time. I’ve banked up a few subjects I can expand on in the last couple of months, and I hope that once I get the time to actually sit down and give them the attention they deserve, those posts will be available for you to read. They cover a bunch of stuff, though none of them are any less self-absorbed than what usually goes up here. I’ve decided to just write this out because I’m over this period of silence – it’s been annoying because whilst I am finally writing with something approaching regularity, the quality and focus is nowhere near the level that I’d like it to be. I have taken the first step, and now I need to put my house in order. I’m writing now as a way of figuring out what helps me write. It’s… interesting.
I’ve long been of the opinion that I needed to do the stereotypical (or at least what I thought of as the stereotypical) thing when I wrote – find a secluded place, make sure I was comfortable, get a good writing implement, quiet my mind, and operate without distraction. I even went as far as spending a bit of cash to buy WriteRoom so I could have a distraction-free writing screen on my computer. I’ve been impressed with the program, and I do recommend it, but for me, it’s only really worked as a free-writing tool. Maybe once my ability to maintain focus and say what I want to without taking a completely circuitous route first has improved, I’ll find it better for focussed, quality writing. For now, it tends to leave me too much of myself, and I go off topic, which is how a lot of those topics that I mentioned earlier got figured out. I’m looking forward to seeing how much ‘tighter’ my ability can get over the next year or so – because that’s exactly what I intend to do. Anyway, the main point here is that I’ve recently figured out that maybe I was isolating myself too much. At the moment, I’ve got air conditioning pumping icy cold air straight onto the back of my neck and a movie on the TV. It’s not how I’ve thought of my perfect writing environment, but here I am, tapping away with a decent amount of speed. In addition to giving the that awesome feeling that I’m finally doing something, it leads me to wonder what other aspects of myself I’m out of tune with – what views that I’ve held that are inaccurate, or downright wrong. In relation to the writing aspect of things, I wonder how much I could have written if I’d realized that this method is stimulating for me earlier in my life – could I have written the things that I’ve been wanting to by now? Would I not have been a victim of the self-doubt and worry that I suffered in the years before I decided to start getting myself back? Should I have not pursued the course I did in the last ten years, those that lost me so much of myself and set me on such a meaningless path? It’s interesting to be so reflective in a positive manner, a constructive one. I am finding myself feeling better about periods of alone time, and thoughts involving my past. I’m also rather enjoying finding these things out about myself – I feel like something constructive and lasting is happening in my life, and it’s been a while since I’ve been able to say that. I look forward to seeing what my future posts hold, from here on out.
Continuing in the same vein, I’m just going to go ahead and sort out a bit of a debrief of 2012. It was a big year for me – I underwent more change, more ups and downs, and lots more new experiences than I ever have in my adult life before. It began on a bittersweet note, having to leave a relationship so I could seek new horizons. What followed was a long period of frustration, financial insecurity, and self-reflection, which culminated in an application to uni. This turned life busy to the point of excluding most of my self reflection time, which caused a bit of agitation, but at the same time it was almost welcome. When you’re in a vacuum, there’s only so much reflection one can do before you start going around in circles, as was probably evident by the blog posts on this very site from this period. Uni, on the other hand, had me feeling positive and like I was doing something constructive. I was learning things that I enjoyed, getting off my arse, and basically making a real start of my time in my new city. I also got to see what it was like living with someone that I’d had personal history with for once – though it didn’t end well, I’m willing to chalk that up to issues that were larger an vastly more complicated than just our combined past. I also began a new relationship, that’s become the biggest and most enjoyable part of my life – the girl I’m with now is supportive, interesting, and makes me feel like I could have a future with someone that would be manageable (i.e. wouldn’t send me insane or have me losing myself completely in the process of bringing it to a level I’d eventually like to have with another person). She helps me and looks after me. As fate has it, she lives in the Rockhampton, which was the city I had to leave to make all of the other changes in my life. I spent Christmas with her, and then got to meet her family, and then saw the new year in with her. Basically put, I had a really excellent end to the year, which chalks it up to a win for me. I saw it out in a better position than I saw it in, and it’s all thanks to the girl that I’ve been seeing. Her family are nice, and for the couple of days we stayed with them, they treated me with respect and didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, which was nice, because of issues I’ve had with anxiety in the past.
The first week of 2013 was spent just having a nice time with the girlfriend. I got to know her routines and basically concentrated on getting to know her a bit better and enjoying her company. She took good care of me, and I got to come away with the feeling that I have finally met someone who can continue a relationship with in a sustainable way. The best way I can describe my feelings about the first week of this year is apart but with company – apart from the rest of the human race, which is the way I’ve usually been in my adult life, but with the company of this amazing woman to help. I’m pretty introverted (self absorbed?) and I’ve always found it hard voicing my feelings and thoughts to other people – at least verbally. I’m still working out how this has impacted my life up until this point, and how this realization will effect it in the future. I don’t really have a problem talking to other people, I usually just have a hard time caring about what others talk about. I realize that that sounds incredibly self absorbed, but in all honesty I’d prefer five minutes of good conversation and long comfortable silence than an hour of bullshit small talk. Not that my past relationships have been that, but this past week has just really brought home how important finding someone who interests you on a personal level is to me. I don’t think I could ever date someone I was only mildly interested in ever again – this has definitely been a game changer, which makes it worth sacrifice in my book. We’re not without our ups and downs, but I feel that when we do have downs, it’s infinitely more workable than having problems with monogamy or some other issue that’s going to be far more damaging to us in the future. And a future is what I can finally see with this girl. I’m looking forward to seeing what the future will bring.
I’m going to end that there for now – that’s a decent wrap up of the year for me. In my next post, I might examine that notion of sacrifice in a relationship a bit more closely and try to figure out how I feel about that.
Peace.