We Heart It
Last year, I read a blog post where someone had decided to choose a keyword for 2012 and use it as a focus point for what they wanted to accomplish within the next 364 days. I tried to steal their word (resolve), but it didn’t work out. It wasn’t a word I resonated with at the time. It didn’t have the same meaning for me as it did for this person, even though I knew I could learn from it. Last week, I started thinking of my own words to focus on for 2013; words that could help escort me into the new year, show me around, introduce me to the life I could be living. More words came to mind than I’d planned — all of them important to me and in need of attention — so I decided to choose four that encompassed all of the words that initially started out on my list.
Gumption
Heather, of Then Heather Said, posed the question yesterday morning on Facebook, “What one word do you hope defines the coming year of your life?” Bravery, was the first word that came to mind, but then I thought — no, it needs to be something more than that. Something that heaps bravery into its meaning, but something that also allows for personality and quirkiness. Gumption. I rolled the word around in my mind, let it soak into my brain a moment. Yeah, gumption. It was perfect. Dictionary.com defines ‘gumption’ as
1. initiative; aggressiveness; resourcefulness
2. courage; spunk; guts
3. common sense; shrewdness
While I like the fact that I’m an introvert, there are certain points of my introversion that I think hinder me more than anything. I’m timid to the point that I practically let fear rule my life, and it’s a battle I fight day in and day out; it’s a battle that, honestly, I’m fed up with. I’m tired of fighting myself on my worries and fears. I’m tired of being shy and feeling as though my chest is in knots every time something happens to me that’s out of my comfort zone. I tell myself time and again that there’s nothing for me to worry about, that half of my problem is the tension I allow myself to feel, and that if I just relax and breathe, my life might be a whole lot easier. And when I look at the definition of ‘gumption,’ I see a lot of things that I need to work on in myself; things that I’ve wanted to become, but haven’t pushed myself to attain.
Organization
When I was in high school and college, I would go out and buy new binders, new dividers, new sheaths of college-lined paper, new pencils, a new school bag, all in hopes to make myself a more organized individual. The structure never lasted. Papers would get stuffed randomly in my bag, in a pocket, in the inside flap, when they should’ve been behind the Quizzes or Essays or Readings tab. Even as I type, my room is still a mess. Three boxes from when I moved in three months ago still need to be transferred to their storage containers, and loose sticky notes, receipts, gift cards, and clothes are hanging on different pieces of furniture in my room. While I have always operated by this system, it’s a system I’m desperately ready to upgrade. The hardest thing about getting organized, I’ve realized, is that it’s not just about putting things in an orderly place. It’s about keeping there, putting them back when they’ve been removed, and doing it consistently.
Getting organized requires almost a complete re-wiring in your functionality, and that is why I’ve struggled with it for years. In large part, it requires maturity and taking control. I’ve always thought of myself as a mature person for my varying ages, but I’ve never been one to simply cut the crap and “get my shit together,” as they say. Told you, total Type-B personality — harmfully so. I want to make 2013 about getting my life in order. I know there are things that happen which we have no control over, but I want to revise the way I respond to such situations, and hopefully by getting myself more structured, it will help when life springs its never-ending surprises on me.
Discipline
This wasn’t going to be one of my focus words for 2013, but after a conversation with Emily about getting my life on track, we both agreed that if any of this was going to work, I needed more discipline in my life. I have a tendency to let myself get slack on anything from eating habits to writing, and this always causes me to feel depressed and unmotivated. What I need is to set new habits and routines for myself, and in doing that I will gain the discipline needed to stay on track with my goals. I’m thinking of getting a refill for my planner, so I can keep up with all the things I want to get accomplished throughout the day. I used to tell myself I could get things done by keeping track of them in my head, but it is much easier to guide yourself through your tasks when they’re written down, or at least in some kind of planner application in your phone that reminds you of what you need to get done. Personally, I would rather use a tangible planner, but that preference is a post for another day.
Peace
When I was in college, I went through a lot of difficult times with my emotions. I’ve always been the kind of person to let my emotions get the best of me. Instead of being a Hermione, I’ve unfortunately always resorted to being a Bella, which is probably why I dislike her so much as a character, because she reminds me of myself. There was one day in particular that was especially hard for me. I don’t remember what was going on, but whatever it was, I was torturing myself over it. Finally, as Emily and I talked on the phone, she said, “You’ve got to find a way to be at peace with yourself.” And even though I can’t remember the situation that prompted those words, they’re words that have stuck with me ever since; words that I haven’t given enough thought to, because I have still been torturing myself over things that have happened and that have been said to the point that one night I completely broke down and thought that I would never stop crying.
I don’t want to continue living a life of self-abrasion. I want to “get my shit together” and find peace within myself. I know that probably sounds corny to read, but it is very much true of what I want. I’m weary from my inner-turmoil — The “Edward Cullen Complex,” I’ll call it. That anguish is a result of giving too much attention to the negative things of the past. Here’s the skinny: I know I’m not perfect, which means there are a lot of things I’ve done in the past that I’m not proud of. It’s called being human, and too much energy is wasted in humans who beat themselves up for being what God created them to be. He knows I’m going to mess up; I know I’m going to mess up; the people I care about know I’m going to mess up, so there’s no sense in constantly hanging onto the threads of the past. It’s done. It’s over. There’s no taking it back. The only thing you can do is learn from your mistakes and move forward.
What are some words you’re focusing on in 2013?
