5/10 and That’s Fine.

My friend shared a post on Facebook that read something along the lines of “STOP LETTING ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH BEING TOXIC” and it made me think about all the people I grew up with who were conventionally attractive and the way people fawned over them even though they were gross ass people. Growing up I heard my friends so “He’s so handsome tho” when I asked why they excused their boyfriends crappy behavior. The boys who catfished my friends all used pics of gorgeous MySpace scene kings wearing lip rings and skinny jeans, they all let them get away with the inconsistent behavior because of their hot profile picture. “She’s pretty” my guy friends would shrug and reason when they had 20 missed called, a hundred angry texts and abusive shit  from their teenage girlfriend and they thought they were punching above their weight. “Why would he do that? He’s so handsome he doesn’t need to rape anyone” I heard that one a lot regarding celebrities. “I know he’s a dick but just look at those eyes” my friend said as she showed me the new blue eyed beau who would go on to break her heart. They all got away with it because they were pretty and it was their ‘get out of jail free’ card in real life. Tolerating them was the price you paid to bask in their beauty. 
Now I have never been the pretty one and growing up I was the ugly duckling pretty much everywhere I went. No one ever chatted me up because I was gorgeous and they just felt drawn to me like they did with my mates so when I heard someone yell “OI SEXY” in the direction of us I knew it was not aimed at me and I never assumed it was, it was always my beautiful friends and I won’t lie it bothered me when I was young that no one found me attractive but as I grew up I just accepted that fact. I was just one of the lads and ugly. I wasn’t jaw dropping or stunning and I wasn’t going to blossom into that either like my friends did. Unless I have a great deal of plastic surgery I am pretty much stuck with this face. 
But now I think about it though I think it’s such a good thing - I don’t think I could be a symmetrical, even toned, stunning girl for a few reasons: a) my laugh too much like an epileptic seal for that shit and b) I know for a fact it would make me into a terrible person. Like I am an obnoxious asshole, you had to have noticed, it has not been something I’ve hidden well on here (or general tbh) if we are honest is most likely very highlighted in my writing because let’s face it we are all braver behind a screen and I am not a naturally gorgeous person, I’m sure I’ve mentioned I am a Tom boy at heart and that I have quite boyish features for a girl. Like it would be pretty easy to make me look like a guy and it’s pretty easy to make me look more feminine. When I was young I looked like a little boy and I know this is 100% true because my little human is literally a carbon copy of me and constantly gets called a pretty little girl. I have a face that would suit androgyny and a body to match. This is something I’ve grown to accept over the years and through those years of being ugly I had to rely on the fact I was funny and sharp witted, I had to hone my humor and learn how to use my infinite knowledge of dumb shit that no one really needed to make people like me or at least tolerate me. I had to be kind because what else did I have to offer - our looks are the first thing and bruh I was NOT something you wanted to offer up but I am a good listener. I learnt that being pretty for some (not all) folks meant they thought they could could be mean because all they’d have to do is bat their lashes and all would be forgiven, or they were just vapid, dull people who upon opening their mouth were definitely no longer pretty. You can encase a cowpat in gold but it’s still a cowpat. I grew to understand that my looks weren’t something anyone would ever like me for so I didn’t really care a lot about them because I didn’t feel the pressure to look a way that was 100% unattainable for me. I was never going to be like the girls in the magazine but then again I wasn’t ever going to be an Olympic swimmer either so who cared. Instead I just took the piss out of myself and made people laugh about it, even now I do it so much that folks genuinely believe the shit I say about my body because I say it with such conviction and humor it just seems like the truth, while most folks feel the need to lie I just don’t. I’m comfortable in being a lil shaved Capuchin monkey, especially if I can make someone laugh with that fact. 
Don’t get me wrong I’m not stupid I know I don’t look like Sloth outta the Goonies and I’m not trying to fish for compliments either. I understand that I have decent features and I’m relatively in proportion but I’m nothing special; this is a wildly wonderful thing for me because if I was one of those undeniably pretty girls I would be such a cunt. I know if I was undeniably pretty and I had this personality - I would be a straight up shite person. So shite and what’s worse is if probably get away with a lot of it too because all know attractive people are given a few more free passes than they deserve. I’m not one of those people that has a deeply good heart, I’m more neutral because being cruel is too much effort. I do not have the capacity to be those dream girls who are smart, funny, kind and gorgeous. I’m no Gal Gardot. 
Now I’m older it matters even less. I’m married so I don’t feel the pressure to look good in case I bump into the love of my life. I done did that already and he didn’t care about my looks lol. He fell in love with me because I was smart and caring, he kept loving me because I was funny and had depth to my personality. He continues to love me now cuz leaving me would be too much effort and I know the way he likes his gravy hahaha. I’m sure he has his reason idk what they are but he has them but my looks aren’t high up on his list of “reasons why I don’t yeet Monica” and I’m glad they’re not- I’d be terrified if they were. What if I don’t age well?? What if I have an accident and become less attractive?? What if so many things? My personality while it isn’t constant it’s something I grow with him right beside me. Our humor is the same and we pretty much mirror one another’s views on most things. I’m glad for it. I’ve been married for too long to keep up any pretences of me being an angel with no need for upkeep and we have a kid together so he knows exactly how bad I can look yet somehow he still manages to find me attractive. Plus I know I’m punching well above my weight, my husband is a dilf and a half. We look great together tho and we made a gorgeous human - like my kid is ADORABLE so I’m happy with my 5/10. 
In conclusion I am 5/10 and does me just fine. Idk what this whole post was if I’m honest or if it made any sense - it was jut swimming around in the cesspool of my brain and I wanted to get it out. 
Love and fuckery,Monica 
              xxx