Technically, I'm not single. But the boyfriend is thousands of miles away and we usually don't get together during Valentine's Day due to our uncompromising schedule and lest you forget, this is my blog and I can write about being single even if I'm not technically single. Now let me just write this thing before I start beating my chest like a gorilla.
Here are some fool-proof tips to survive the apocalypse:
1. Avoid every restaurant like the plague. Not only would getting a table be a pain in the butt, you will be surrounded by a heavy mixture of cologne, gushing sounds and grave sexual tension...GRAVE. Being there would be akin to being trapped in a lion's den with a bunch of
2. If you're gonna have a DVD night with your co-single friends, no matter what you do, do not pick out LOVE ACTUALLY. Ignore it. Skip it. Kick it to the curb. It's one of the best movies ever but it will make you feel sadder than a spinster, a cat lady and a hoarder rolled into one. Instead, pick out movies and shows like Hostel, American Horror Story, Nightmare on Elm Street ...basically stuff that will make you feel grateful for just being alive. Who cares about your crush when you're busy trying to figure out if there's a shadow staring back at you in your closet? Good luck with the nightmares but hey, at least you forgot about your Valentine woes! Problem solved. 3. Give in to junk food. Nobody looks good wallowing in a bunch of carrot sticks, celery and a smoothie. Get the good stuff, you deserve it. Kettle chips? Yes. Belgian chocolate? Yes, please. In-N-Out animal-style fries? Si. Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough? Uhuh.
4. Down that junk with a couple of drinks. Wine, vodka, tequila, Diet Coke, probiotic drinks---whatever it is you have in your fridge will do. Drink lots of it and hope it will drown out your pity party of one.
5. Now that you've got some swag juice a.k.a. alcohol in your system, don't even think about grabbing that phone. You want to drunk-text your ex or worse, you're tempted to post some weird quote about relationships, matched with a very awkward background photo that has NOTHING to do with the quote, on his or her Facebook wall. Stop it. Get a hold of yourself, dammit!
6. Don't cry yourself to sleep to your favorite Barry Manilow album. Instead, belt out to some karaoke-worthy music...crying is still optional, of course. You can try to sing Manilow's songs too but don't say I didn't warn you.
7. Go on a date with your folks, or with the rest of the family. You can do a simple get-together at home or maybe even do a little R&R like booking a relaxing massage at a luxury spa. Remember, boyfriends and girlfriends may come and go but family is forever.
Image via www.plunhof.it
When all else fails, think about this: Dates can get pretty expensive, especially for the dudes out there. You have to get all cute (easy on the cologne, Prince Charming), buy overpriced flowers, get chocolates, buy a gift---because obviously overkilling is the name of the game, have your car washed, spend an arm and a leg for a meal at a swanky restaurant, get some tickets to a show, book a helicopter tour around the city, give a 3 carat diamond encrusted bracelet
image via mybookbuyer.com
It's just one day, my single minions. And like any cockroach after a nuclear disaster, YOU WILL SURVIVE! Relationships are complicated so take advantage of your single blessedness and remember that you have to love yourself first before you can understand its entire genuine premise.
And to the rest of you who are gloating right now for securing a date on Valentine's, I have only two things to say to you...One: I'm happy for you, I really am. Two: you look fat in that dress.
Happy Valentine's Day!