A Tired Random Whinge.

Things are afoot in my little world; a lot of it is positive and empowering and some of it is not so much. With the obligatory apology for putting the negativity in with the positivity, I’ll get to it. I lugged my laptop a tad over ten kilometers today, and I’m knackered.
I have spent the last two weeks dealing with a massive backload of stuff that I have been putting off for years, and it’s been a trip of ups and downs on an emotional level. Things that I’d repressed and hadn’t dealt with at all properly came up, and things that I realized I’d lost contact with that were a positive influence in my life got reconnected. Though I had a net win with it all, I feel exhausted after it, and even though there’s a lot more stuff to work through, I felt that leaving things as they stood for the moment was a good idea. I’ve spent too much of my time in drudgery and misery already, and the more I’m opening my eyes and specifically looking for things to appreciate, the more I’m finding. This bullshit I’m dealing with is just housekeeping, and I think it has to be done. In the spirit of becoming a better person, as I said I was going to try to become when I left behind pretty much everything to move here, I’ve got to at least give it a shot. It’s even helping me deal with the frustration of not being able to move forwards in the other ways I wanted to when I came down here, namely employment, so that’s another benefit I’m not unaware of.
In the way of the amorementioned work, I’m coming up nil on every front I go for. Paying fulltime work is rare and hotly contested by those better qualified and/or younger than I am. Part time and short term work is in industries I am no good for. Even volunteering is a dodgy prospect these days, with my being turned away from the few places I’ve asked at. I have enrolled in study but I can’t afford it at the moment, so that has stalled. I’m going to try and sort something out as far as studying at a university, which the government pays for in this country under certain circumstances, and see where that gets me. I’m hoping that it comes together and I won’t be reduced to this continued fruitless jobhunt I’ve been engaged in for the last year. I feel a lot more productive and just generally happier when I’m engaged in my own study and self-assigned projects than sorting through the few jobs around that suit me, and applying for them in the knowledge that there will be a list as long as my arm of other people applying as well. I’ve had one interview for a job that I didn’t get, and one job on a commission only basis that I was at for two days without making a dollar at. If I seem negative I really try not to be; it’s just that the climate isn’t usually good for jobs in my line of work at any rate, nevermind in a climate where jobs are scarce across the board. A lot of people have said ‘chin up, something will come up’, but I suspect that it’s time to start looking at other alternatives to gaining an income, because what I’ve been doing isn’t working.
That’s where uni comes in. Maybe this time I can a degree that’s a little more practically useful and spend less time fucking around and getting drunk in my spare time and be a bit more productive. If nothing else it’ll get the jobhunts out of my hair and I can at least start using my time in a more productive manner. At any rate, I certainly feel more productive studying than I do trawling job sites. That’s another thing too – despite being unemployed for this long, the wonder that is the internet has kept me pretty well up to date with everything and everything, and allowed me to continue my own projects a lot longer than I would have been able to without it. It’s an amazing thing and I hope I’m only without it when I take my intended sabbaticals into the bush in the future. Which is a story for another time. I had written a lot after this point, which ended up just being rambling and wasn’t even interesting to me, nevermind anyone that decides to read these things. I will post again soon. Things are happening, and hopefully they help me out of this rut I’ve been in.
Peace.