My school personality is very different from how my close friends know me. Growing up with Mom as a teacher, I was taught that you don’t cause problems in class, you are respectful to the teacher, and if for some reason I got in trouble, I knew the punishment at home would be much worse than anything that would happen at school. So I’ve adopted a sort of wallflower personality in the classroom. I like to stay out of everyone’s way and just do what I’m supposed to be doing so as not to upset the teacher or cause distractions. It has been hard to maintain this persona while on crutches. They’re loud and obnoxious and as soon as I walk in the room, everyone seems to notice. It is beyond embarrassing.
Another part of my personality is independence (stubbornness?), which is also hard to maintain while using crutches. I hate having people help me with anything, and if there is any way I can do it myself, you can bet I’m going to.
Having people help me was nice at first, but now it’s downright frustrating. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the help, because I definitely do appreciate it, it’s that I always feel like I’m troublesome and a bother to my teachers and classmates. It’s exasperating.
I was wondering why I was having such a hard time just accepting that, for now, I need the help that people are offering. I have come to the conclusion that its not entirely because of the personality that I have, but it’s because I have trouble accepting that I’m worth the effort that other people are putting forth to help me, even if its simply holding open the door for a few seconds.
I’ve always had trouble accepting things for myself whether it was giving myself some time to relax or a gift from someone else. I never felt like I had “earned” it. But what I’m coming to realize is that some things you don’t have to “earn”; there are some things that you can just receive and accept, including gifts to yourself.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that the reason that people are holding doors open for me and helping me out with things is not because they feel sorry for me, at least that’s not the whole reason. It’s for the same reason that I hold doors open and help with things I’m not expected to; it’s because I simply want to help, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Those people aren’t judging me or my worth, they’re just helping.
After figuring all of this out, it’s made my days (somewhat) less stressful. It’s easier to accept the help than it is to worry constantly about how I’m going to do things on my own. Something I still have to work on, though, is asking for help when I need it, but that’s for another time. For now, I’m going to celebrate what I’ve figured out on my own.
