Breakthrough in therapy last night. I self-sabotage constantly because I need something to worry about.
Routinely and intentionally, I run my car on empty, make poor financial decisions, don’t do my job perfectly, make excuses for not following through, leave dishes in the sink knowing it will annoy B… the list goes on. I hate confrontation, I hate not being prepared, I hate upsetting people… and yet I do these things with the full knowledge of the consequences, and sort of weirdly hoping that I get in trouble.
Robert and I think it stems from childhood and my constant feeling of being a bad girl. My parents spanked, and I was first-born, and always in trouble. Now that I’m an adult and not living with my parents, I have to replace that feeling of being bad (since it doesn’t come from my parents as much anymore) with mess-ups of my own creation, to ensure that someone tells me that I screwed up.
THAT is screwed up. I need my anxiety. I need to worry and stress about something because if I didn’t have it, then what? It helps, at least, to know the answer to the question “why do I self-sabotage.” And now we need to do something about it.
