In writing my book where I’m chronicling the lives of 15 as they navigate through their first year of divorce, one thing that I notice often is the misconceptions people have about divorce. Even from the individuals going through it themselves.
So I put a call out on Facebook to see what those who have been through a divorce would say are some misconceptions they faced during the process. The answers were fascinating.
Cassandra was one of those who responded and I asked if she would write about her answer. What was her answer, you ask?
The misconception that couples who go through a divorce can’t be friends.
Please welcome Cassandra.
An Amiable Divorce
By Cassandra Delusion
True confession time: my ex-husband and I are friends.
Joe proposed on my twenty-first birthday when I was a college senior. Twenty-two years, three states of residence, and two wonderful children later we found ourselves sitting in a mediator’s office discussing joint custody and refusing to split up the furniture until our son goes to college.
It’s hard to leave the person with whom you’ve spent half your life. In the last months of our marriage the sadness and self-doubt were overwhelming. A simple conversation about summer plans would leave both of us in tears. In addition, going from home to college to marriage meant that neither of us had ever stood on our own, or really knew how to. There is no avoiding the pain and fear of divorce. But we discovered that there doesn’t have to be acrimony.
We did not walk away from a twenty-two year marriage lightly. There were wrenching late night conversations and waterfalls of tears, but ultimately we agreed that we could not make each other happy. Our needs were too different, and neither of us could meet the challenge of filling the holes in the other’s life. We were both emotionally spent and needed to step away from each other to save ourselves. Neither of us knew if we could find happiness out in the world, but we could not go on as we were. At the same time, we still cared for each other and were committed to work together for our children.
When we entered into divorce mediation we encountered a system designed for anger, finality, and inflexibility which bucked our desire to create a document with compassion and understanding. We refused to set in stone custody arrangements, division of marital property, or the exact date we will sell the family house. We were adamant in our intent to be flexible in finding the best solutions for our children as circumstances changed.
We found ourselves bonding against our lawyer who kept pushing us toward rigidity using the specter of future pitfalls. Joe might someday have a girlfriend who would hate me and try to take my mother’s heirloom dresser. I might change my mind about Christmas and decide to bar Joe from the door when he comes to see his children open their presents. As our lawyer tossed out each new potential hazard, we looked at each other and rolled our eyes. In the end we created a document that was fuzzier than the lawyer wanted, but less flexible than we would like. Mostly we ignore it.
Four years later, I am happily ensconced with a man who is right for me in the ways that Joe was not. Joe is flourishing as the bachelor he never had the chance to be. Our daughter is away at college and thriving, and we each spend half of the week with our twelve year old son. We sit together to watch countless hockey and basketball games, socializing with the other parents, and cheering Steve on.
We are closer now than we were for most of our marriage. All of the friction that plagued our time together has evaporated with time and distance. I can now more clearly see the enthusiastic, energetic, and kind man that Joe is rather than focusing on petty irritants like clothes strewn about the house and cabinets left ajar.
We continue to encounter people who can’t quite believe that we are divorced so amiably. Teachers ask if we want separate conference times. School administrators demand copies of our custody agreement to forestall future phantom issues. My mother hears of joint outings attended by my ex and current boyfriend and shakes her head, muttering about Big Love.
Meanwhile, we continue on our way. Our unworkable marriage has morphed into a successful collaboration and uncomplicated friendship. Our relationship did not die with divorce. It was given the space to flourish.
Cassandra is in her mid-forties with two children and one ex-husband. She works as a research consultant and data analyst despite her love of words and deep mistrust of all things numeric. Her writing has been featured on The Mid, In the Powder Room, The Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop, and Great Moments in Parenting. She blogs with her partner in crime at The Next Delusion. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.
