And Road Rage and Spike and Nationalism and Swearing and Dancing

 by Ashley Lister
 Below are five things I don’t tell people about myself:
1) I’m a lousy driver. I drive in a state of constant road rage. Sitting next to me whilst I’m in rush hour traffic is like sitting next to a sailor on shore leave, suffering from Tourette’s, trying to recite Eminem lyrics.
2) Out of our four dogs, I have a favourite: Spike. I appreciate that a good dog owner does not have favourites but I'm not a good dog owner and Spike is my favorite dog. He holds a position of esteem above all the other pets and some of the human members of the family. He is laid-back, possesses a pot-belly and has a weakness for chocolate biscuits. I think we have a lot in common. Except only one of us eats turds.
3) I love to display the Union Flag because I have national pride but I worry that it makes me look like a racist or a sport enthusiast: neither of which are looks I would wish to cultivate.
4) Whenever I’m writing short fiction I have a habit of starting too many sentences in the first draft with the word ‘and’. Obviously these instances of the word ‘and’ get deleted as the second draft is processed but they’re always there at the start, like clumsy thumbprints in moulded plaster.
5) I have a strong desire to learn how to do the Gangnam Style dance. Consideration and respect for my colleagues prevents me from attempting this.