I wrote that line! You are all my witnesses in case anybody asks, right? It’s a fact! You just read it, on MY blog, in black and white! Can’t denial that! I’m sure a few people out there will go around saying that I wasn’t the first one to do so, but my answer to them is, ‘Get a life!’ I mean, really! Why make such a fuss? O.K., O.K.! Fine! So it was Mark Twain who wrote the line before me but hey, that was sooo long ago…..
Speaking of denial - I hate Phillip Roth! There, I said it! Yes, I did and I do. Any writer slash hoping to get published and become an author type person person, should detest Phillip Roth! Why? I’ll tell you why! At the suggestion of a friend who shall remain nameless to protect her identity (Rosie, I know you meant well but you know what they say about the road to Hell and all that…), I spent the last few days reading ‘American Pastoral’ (that’s why I was gone for so long, by the way!) and oh, how I wish I hadn’t! It really unnerved me! There is something seriously not right about that book! There are forces at work here and I, for one, am very suspicious! Very suspicious indeed! Any reasonable person would be, I say. The way I see it, we all write with the same English language. There is no common English and then a deluxe version - it’s all one and the same set of expressions all of us use every day. Yes, I admit, there were a few words in Mr. Roth’s book I had to look up, but that was just to make sure he wasn’t making something up just to make his prose sound more clever. I did my research, I checked my facts, I’m not just spewing off the top of my head, willy nilly, I know whereof I speak! Nobody can convince me that this man just took all the same words I have used many a time in my writing, that all he did was put them in a a particular order and hey, presto! he produces a literary classic that just blows you away! I just refuse to believe that. It’s not possible, not without something else, something nobody sees. Nobody except me that is. Can’t pull the wool over my eyes! No sir! Uh-uh! I have a theory. It has to do with hypnotism. I think that Mr. Roth figured out how to arrange certain letters or words (I’m not sure which yet, but I’m working on it!) in such an order that when the reader is exposed to this combination, over and over again, they fall under a spell which tell them ‘You will love this book! You will love this book! You will think it’s one of the best you have ever, ever read and you will feel compelled to tell everyone that….’ Oh my God! See? See, what did I tell you! It’s working on me too, even though I know what’s going on!! This is worse than I thought! And another thing - ‘American Pastoral’ is an insidious plot to get rid of the competition! Damn it, it has to be! There is no other way to look at it! After reading the book, a writer, even as self-respecting as I, will hear the words “Don’t quit your day job! Don’t quit your day job!” just screaming in their heads! It’s horrible! I’ve been on pain killers ever since I finished and that was two days ago! Oh, the migraine! I cannot face the facts, I just CAN’T! Yet, the truth of the matter is undeniable and that is:Mr. Phillip Roth could get a frontal lobotomy and he’d still write better than I ever could!I think I’ll put my coloring paper and crayons away and go do something else…. A.J. Aston
