If you’re reading this before 6:11 A.M., it means you have exactly this much time until the world ends:
After some extensive research (aka Googling “exactly what time will the world end on December 21?” and then Googling “11:11 UTC to EST”), I’ve determined that the world will end here in Toronto at precisely 6:11 A.M. today.
Just in case it ACTUALLY happens, I didn’t want this blog post to go to waste, so I decided to schedule it to post nine whole hours early at midnight. And, if you’re spending your possible last waking moments on earth reading my blog: well shucks, thanks for being a fan.
I’m probably asleep in bed. Or eating all the ice cream in my freezer, y’know, just in case the power goes out so it doesn’t melt (what a waste THAT would be – no more planet Earth AND melty ice cream!?)
However, if you’re reading this AFTER 6:11 A.M. EST (which I’m hoping you are, because I’ve got some awesome recipes and posts coming up over the next week!) it means:
A) The world didn’t end (sorry to all you crazies who flocked to some magical town to be saved, maxed out your credit cards, or harassed the crap out of poor NASA),
or
B) You somehow managed to survive doomsday – congrats!
Now, when I first realized I could write a Friday Five entirely about the world ending and publish it ON THE ACTUAL DAY THE WORLD ENDS, GUYS, I had a ton of different ideas.
Did I want to post photos of five awesome cartoons about the end of the world?Or maybe a list of my top five post-apocalyptic movies? Maybe compile a list of the five craziest predictions about 12/21/12? Actually, scratch that last one – there are WAY. TOO. MANY. And reading about them started to make me fear for the human race. Y’know, for believing them in the first place.
Instead, I’m going to give you some very important end-of-the-world prep tips. If you’re looking for sound, logical explainations as to why the world WON’T end, may I direct you to NASA’s official December 21 2012 site instead. But if you want sound, logical way to be totally prepared for the end-of-days, be it zombies, locusts, or the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl: read on, friends.
1. Take a page out of the Girl Guide and Boy Scout handbook, and always be prepared. And when I say “always”, I mean ALWAYS. How do you sleep: in boxers? Maybe in shorts and a t-shirt? In your birthday suit? If you answered ”yes” to any of those, BZZZZZZZZ. You’re dead. I mean, picture this: you’re sound asleep, wearing nothing but your birthday best. Suddenly hell and fire and brimstone is raining down upon your home, and zombies are breaking through the window. Your nearest weapon? Your teddy bear. Their nearest feast? Your brains, as you scramble to try and put some pants on.
So in preparation for tomorrow (er, today): sleep ready. Wear your running shoes (do you really want to run from 
whatever apocolytic monsters show up in heels? Didn’t think so. We can’t all run like Dana Scully in 4″, ladies and comfortable clothes, keep that emergency bag packed and next to your bed, and make sure your machete is ready-to-go and within arms reach.
No machete? No problem. Read on for common household items that will make good post-apocalyptic weapons while battling hoards of the undead.
2. Inventory your home for in-a-pinch weapons. Your curtain rods – shower or otherwise – and towel rods are a great weapon. Generally long, metal, and easily accessible, they can be used to bash things over the head or, if you break the end off or happen to have a pointy-ended curtain rod like I do, can also be used to stab things.
Sports equipment is an easy, quick grab as well – think hockey sticks, baseball bats, and lacrosse sticks, so basically anything you can swing and nail something in the head with. Remember those shovels you just got out in case it snows this weekend? Well those can also be used to slice, dice, swing, and smash as you run for cover. Kitchen knives and tools (think hammers and saws) are great for up-close-and-personal combat.
Unless you’re battling one, big, giant snake-God, guns are typically a bad idea – they’re so loud, you’re sure to draw more evil critters your way.
3. Know your escape route. I live on the 10th floor of an apartment: my ways out include two elevators, two staircases, and um, that’s it by logical, normal people standards.
But y’know what? If all those routes are blocked by fire-breathing children of the corn, I’d rather break my neck trying to escape than turn into a human marshmallow. So my escape plan is to deadbolt and block my door and then tie all my clothes together to make a rope and shimmy down from balcony to balcony until I reach the ground (and my car).
Side note – if your escape route involves a car, now would be a great time to go fill up your gas tank.
Now, once you escape: where do you go? If the apocalypse is raining down on you, you’re probably panicked and not thinking clearly: so think about where you want to go and hide in advance. And for the love of god – don’t pick the mall. Everyone picks the mall, and trust me: it never, ever ends well. Think government facilities, hydro buildings, schools in bad neighbourhoods: anywhere that’s likely to be deserted, have great security, and be forgotten by the masses.
4. Face your fears. Some girl with some degree from some university said the following: “”It’s not so much the zombies that scare us but what happens when the zombies come and tear down all these structures that protect us in our daily lives. There’s no government, no rules, no food system. Total chaos erupts and it really is the end of the world as we know it.”
Um, no, some girl: I’m pretty sure it’s the ZOMBIES that terrify me. Especially if they’re all super fast and super agile like in Dawn of the Dead. Shudder. But facing your fears is important in apocalyptic times: if Rick Grimes had curled into a ball and cried in the hospital room, would he lived to find his family? Hell no. So (wo)man up, grab the nearest blunt object, and fight your way out. And remember the cardinal rule of horror movies: don’t go in the basement alone (er, or at all). Even better, don’t go anywhere alone.
5. Get your plan into place, then chill out! After all, the world is ending in just a few hours – so why not crack open a bottle of wine or a two four, sit back with your friends or family, laugh, play games, and relax. The world only ends once (only ACTUALLY ends once, I should say: these predictions seem to happen a lot ;) – so why not enjoy your last few moments alive (or, depending on the nature of doomsday, your last few before all hell breaks loose on earth)?
Or if you’re like me, and always leave your Christmas shopping until the last minute: you might want to think about starting to think about your list, since there’s a good chance you’ll wake up to blue skies and sunshine tomorrow (er, today) and have to scramble to pull it together before your family celebration Saturday night.
