Gok What?

So. I've just seen that a new Gok Wan programme is coming out soon.
Hooray.
Or not so much.
Noo-ray.
Now. I have nothing against Gok Wan personally. I am sure he means well. Good intentions and all that. But really. Do women need to know how to look good naked?
If there's one thing that Rubens taught me, it's that women can look good naked.
Even draped over a tree.
I would give this a go. But I don't want to be put on a list. I don't have a private garden.
Where do people get off telling me how to look good naked? The cheek! And it's not just that either. That programme is deceiving. He tells you what to wear too!
SO. Let me get this straight. Not only do I not know how to work my nuddy, but I also don't know how to dress? **clicks fingers with attitude**
Like I said, I'm sure Gok Wan-tomakeusmiserable has the best intentions. Even my boyfriend said, "He's a good guy" - (whose side is he on, eh?)
I suppose in comparison to the covers of Heat and Now, Mr. Wan is a good guy.
But how do I see How to look good naked?


Well. I see it as another way of telling women what to do. Forcing us to believe that what we are solely judged on is our appearance, and if it's not up-to-scratch (by their definitions!) then we have no hope. We are tragic. Baby fodder. The Nurse from Romeo and Juliet.
It's funny because originally I loved the programme. I thought, "How empowering! These women who had no self-esteem have finally been able to strip naked on a catwalk in front of strangers"
Now, read that sentence back to yourself.
Empowering? My arse.
If you watch the programme, you will notice that women are being taught to hide, cover, enhance, streamline, reduce, lengthen, balance, clinch, lift, tighten...PISS OFF!!!
Apparently as a pear shape, I need to balance out my narrow shoulders with my larger hips.
Right. That's just what I need to do. Heaven forbid I fall off balance because my hips can no longer cope with the lightness of my shoulders.
If only homeostasis stretched to bone realignment. Forget my water levels and iron count - my waist cannot be seen under this A-Line camisole!! Who needs insulin when I forgot to put on my Spanks this morning?!
Can you honestly believe this drivel? Have you ever worn Spanks?
For those of you who haven't heard of them, they are a monstrosity. They are 'magic pants' that cover all the way from your thighs to just under your breasts with an intensely (too) tight fit in order to streamline your physique.
Do you remember being mortally shocked when discovering that women had to wear corsets and would often faint from not being able to breathe?
Haven't we come a long way.
I also remember the grimaces when people found out that Queen Elizabeth I used to paint her skin white.
Hmmmm... now what is Gok Wan's must for looking good naked??
Oh yes. Fake tan.
Cover your body in rust and smell like baby biscuits.
Yum.
Of course he didn't specify How to smell good naked?


I know I sound like a moaning mini, but do we ever get a break?
Could you imagine a man being told how to look good naked? A man would tell Gok Wan to piss off.
I'm guessing.
By instructing us how to look good naked, the programme is ultimately telling us that we don't already. And that's bullshit.
We do look good naked.
Breasts are the most amazing thing since sliced bread (not sliced breasts, which is what I nearly wrote by accident...)
Don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise.
S'all I'm saying.
Watch this space...