Gotye

Hello again, Lj. It's been a while. Again. A lot has happened, a lot is going to happen, and as per usual I'm getting on here for a bit of silliness before I probably go underground for another long while and don't bother updating anything until after everything has happened. Kidding. I'm going to try my hand at updating here at least semi-regularly, though I have no idea how that's going to pan out. I don't have a whole lot to say, especially in the foreseeable future, seeing as recent events have bought me to something of an impasse. I'll explain this all in a logical order now.
I've moved to Brisbane, the capital city of the state of Queensland, and have been here for about a month. It's been an up and down period of time - first I wasn't going to move, then I moved my stuff down here, then I got offered a job where I was living (which was the whole reason I decided to move in the first place), which caused a lot of stress and tension between me and the one reason I had to stay where I was - being a girl whom I had a lot of time for - then I decided that my stuff being moved already it was better to make a go of it and move and give up what seemed to be an ok job and a good woman for - new horizons and opportunities. Seem a bit off kilter? I thought so too.
That's not to say I feel entirely bad about how things have panned out. I do regret having left the girl behind, most of all. It was a good run and I felt for the first time in my life that we could have actually built something together. We could have moved in together, we could have possibly worked up to kids and a house, which is what she wanted, and on some level I've wanted too. Having said that - I feel I did what I did for the right reasons. I've already given the bare bones version to friends and elsewhere on the net, but when it gets down to it, I feel deep down that we weren't going well enough for it to work out long term. We wanted different things, she wanted me to stay in a place that really wasn't healthy to maintain a relationship that would have backslid with my mental state, and we had other issues going on as well. Off the top of my head I'd say that the biggest issue we had was her trust issues. I never cheated on her, never acted like I was going to, but she still exhibited a lot of paranoia about my forming or maintaining friendships with other females. When I look deeper though, it wasn't just on her end. I am a consumer of a lot of media - print, digital, aural, and any other format you can think of. I research for hours on the net, I read voraciously when I get the chance, and I keep either the radio or tv on to trawl for information. I like information. The problem comes when my own unchecked nature comes into it. I have interests that I love to indulge, and a large part of the information I consume concerns these interests. Unfortunately, one of my interests lies in the darker fringes of human experience. Putting it lightly, I'd say that I enjoy female nudes. Putting it honestly, I'd say I like porn.
I'm not confusing the two here - I do enjoy fine art nudes on a totally non sexual level. I also, however, enjoy hardcore porn with a definite bent (if you will) towards arousal. I limited the latter whilst I was with this woman - willingly but under duress - but didn't see any problem with indulging the former. Which, I realize, creates problems to an outside observer. This is all a cicumlocutory way of saying that she had a problem with me looking at other naked women. Which again I can understand. My beef was that it rapidly became ANY woman whom I came into contact with, whether I had sexual feelings for her prior to our relationship (we were friends before we began a relationship, so she was privy to many of my frustrations concerning females) or not. I did limit my consumption of questionable material for the sake of our relationship, and I had no problem doing that. But at what point does my limiting become less about assuaging a real fear of infidelity and more just about control of your spouse? I realize that for many this probably has a clear cut answer but it's never been that way with me. I like porn, I like naked women. Doesn't mean I want to bang them all. She had also been intimate with numerous of my male friends before we got involved, which probably didn't help my own ambivalence to the situation. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a scorekeeper with shit like this.
As you can see it was all pretty complex and to be honest downright annoying with how things used to happen. I'm in no way blaming her completely. I was probably more at fault than she was, seeing as it always seemed to be something I did or said or had done in the past that caused the arguments and fights we had. And really I'm not good at fighting when I've been blindsided by something I have always done and haven't had any problems with. I get nasty and it turns ugly really quickly. Having said all that though, it was still irritating when what should have been great, fun times turned into shitfights and me walking home and having it out during a hangover. It got to the point where whenever something came up - be it a night out, or bumping into a female friend - I'd immediately have an internal alarm going 'fuck, look out. No matter what you do, she's going to be pissed off.' It was realization of that situation that helped me to make the decision to leave. She didn't deserve my shit and I didn't deserve hers. In the long run I think it's for the best, though I still miss her. As I've said before, I hope we can end up friends at the very least. She was good to me, though I know after this rant it doesn't sound like it.
Anyway, I'm going to head off now. I've got a few things to do and I'm expecting to have a mate over for dinner tonight so I'll come back and finish this later.