I’m tired of hiding behind a smile, behind laughter, behind jokes.
Sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I mess up, sometimes I act on impulse, sometimes I act selfishly. The selfish part I don’t do often, but when I do, boy is it one for the books.
I’m impulsive like it’s my job. If I feel upset, I try to walk away from a problem but if you truly, deeply upset and hurt me, I will lash out. I’m excellent at lashing out. I should carry a sign that says “I’m sorry for those things I said that I meant that I never should have said.”
I’m awful at keeping those things inside of me. But I’m also excellent at bottling my emotions. I can keep emotions and feelings inside of me like it’s my job. I bottle those emotions up and I keep them close to my chest. It’s almost a joke with some friends how I suddenly go quiet and then explode, and to those friends I say thank you, thank you for finally figuring out my awful, awful pattern. And to those whom I have lashed out upon, I am sorry. I’m not sure you could understand the emotion ripping through my soul. I am sorry, from every crevice and extremity and within every heartbeat in my body, I am truly, truly, deeply sorry.
I lash out. I’m terrible at this. I give so much; I keep giving. I give happiness, I give life, I give laughter, I try and give everything I have. I give so much that at the end of the day, I am left with almost nothing, aside from love.
After all is said and done I am filled with love, I am overflowing with love and the want to love something without question or hesitation. I am a lover, I am, also, a fighter. I fight for what I love, and once you deeply scar my heart, I will, without question, lash out. Which is not what should happen, but, alas that is what I do.
I lash out. I, like anyone, want them to understand the pain that is coursing through my heart, I want them to understand the memories that haunt me, I want them to understand the days I face alone while it feels that they are comforted among friends.
Please, do understand, I do not lash out without reason. You truly must strike me where it hurts me most, most often trust and second chances. I gave a second chance. I gave a second chance, I gave a chance where I should not have had to read into your words, I gave a second chance where I was honest and their words were only what they thought I wanted to hear, I gave chances. I gave trust.
I messed up, as I always do when I feel cornered, unsure, and shaky upon my feet. I brought others down with me.
I can be a horribly destructive person, I can be a wonderfully uplifting person.
After taking a thousand steps forwards since being left for reasons including “I no longer wanted to give you hope for a future” I took 999 steps back.
But life is all about building, moving forward, finding love, trust, happiness, laughter, and I found pieces of myself those 999 steps, and I’ll pick up those pieces again, and this time I won’t face so many of them alone, and for many of those pieces I’ll pick them automatically.
I’ll face the sunshine and piece together this puzzle. I have not a clue what this puzzle will look like in the end, but I am confident it will be beautiful and hold everything I’ve ever dreamed of.
To those I’ve wronged, I’m sorry. To those I brought down with me, I could not possibly feel more sorrow or guilt.
I ask for forgiveness, I fall asleep asking God for forgiveness, strength, and love. What more could one need?
I no longer want to hide behind words, today I begin the truth.
