When I was really young I would pick my nose until it bled and grind my teeth. When I was in primary school I would bite my nails until the bled and rip the skin around my finger constantly. Throughout my teens I would pick the skin on my face and body leaving little dug out scabbed over patches of skin everywhere, any spot I had would turn into a month long saga of me picking it, it healing and me picking again over and over; lip biting was another I had, I ended up with cysts in my lips that had to be removed from the constant biting and I had constantly raw lips. When I got older I carried on picking at my skin but I would tear up the skin on my feet so it would bleed and I couldn’t take steps, I picked that one up from a parent. During my pregnancy the nose one came back but I wouldn’t pick it instead I would peel the skin off from the left side of the cartilage part of my nose- four years on that area of skin hasn’t grown back the hair and now I get nose bleeds more often. Postpartum I had problems with biting the skin off the inside of my mouth, I did it so much I had ulcers almost constantly. I still get them but they’re cyclic. Due to my PND I ended up with psoriasis on my scalp and in ears from a) depression and b) lack of hygiene; I would pick at the scales/skin leaving my head and ears bleeding and raw. My doctor was so surprised it wasn’t infected and all my hair was falling out. About two years ago I gained a decent amount of control over them all and would be able to stop them for the most part unless I was distressed. Those behavior take the form of some running my nails through my hair and picking anything I feel is an abnormality, I run a nail under my nail and separate the skin from the nail, scraping my ear, the foot one came back and the teeth grinding too but like I said I only do them if I’m really stressed. Through each of the phases I would do serious damage to my body. Open wounds, scabs, infected patches. I remember one time going fucking crazy on my face and my entire chin area was raw then scabbed over for weeks. When it healed finally that whole patch was so dark, I got told off so much for picking at it when I’d been told to leave it alone - “look what you’ve done to your face, you look disgusting”. I couldn’t help it but they didn’t know that - they had no idea what I was doing was out of my control, they just thought I was being a dumb bitch. OCD is like a strawberry plant in my life, it extends little tendrils into so many aspects of my life. I’ve had different things help me stop doing them but new ones seem to come or old one come back. I guess because OCD isn’t curable neither are the compulsive behaviours. I stopped nail biting because my friend would paint my nails with this gross tasting polish every day for two months, then when my nails were in a good condition she would paint them cute colours but because she had done it I didn’t want to ruin her work or disappoint her so I wouldn’t bite out of sheer need to please her. It made her really happy that she’d helped me and my nails looked pretty fucking cute. I actually used that approach recently when I had to go for a smear test (BOOK UR SMEAR TESTS IF YOU HAVE A CERVIX, OF AGE AND ARE DUE ONE - ITS SHITE BUT ITS WORTH IT) and I was fucking terrified. What’s worse is I had to tag my child along because I have no one to watch him so I was really, really on edge. I threw up twice and I had been having panic attacks for two days. I had everything planned and set out put I could feel the need to pick at myself soaking into me so I painted my nails properly - base coat, three thin layers and top coat. I found a page that said they take three hours to dry down fully and I just kept looking at the timer on my phone and counting down out loud. I can’t pick if my hand are out of order by the time they were dry I had to leave and I was to busy to pick. It worked a treat and I plan to use that approach again. Most of the time when I do them my partner will hold my hand or ask me to stop so I’ll sit on my hands and distract myself until the urge passes; sometimes that’s a few minutes sometimes its hours and I have to keep distracting myself in different ways. I’ll keep busy with house work or I’ll stay in the same room as my child because I don’t do it around him; knowing that I picked up the foot picking one from my parent scares the shit outta me and I cannot bring myself to potentially impact him with them.All of these behaviours aren’t things I want to do, I do them without noticing until I have blood everywhere and I get this sense of failure in my chest. I try really hard everyday not to do them and work on ways to help improve the scarring and state of my skin. Back in August last year I really messed my skin up, like really bad. I looked like I’d been in a fight and it was not great. I even got quizzed about domestic violence, I was causing myself so much damage. I decided I needed to get to grip on it and a decent skincare routine. At 25 I was still just going over it with micellar water, rinsing and putting some body butter on. I did some research into my skin type abs what could help and found some things about oil cleansing. I watched a bunch of videos and read everything I could. From what I gauged - if it works, it’s amazing and if it doesn’t then u fuck ur face up but I figured I had nothing to lose tbh my face was already a state. I found a really good highly recommend and well reviewed rosehip oil, I asked for some 0.5 hydrocortisone from my doctors for the patches of eczema on my face, I mixed up a blend of sesame and olive oil because I knew they were oils I could use on my skin as they’d never given my problems and I used them as body moisturiser anyways and I set to work. My oil cleansing routine:
- Warm oil (I do this by putting the oil in a little plastic sauce tub into a yogurt pot filled with hot water)
- Massage oil into my face, focusing on my t-zone, scars and any new spots I may have
- Steam my face with a flannel and warm water
- Gently scrub my t-zone and problem areas with the flannel
- Wash with dove soap and water until oil free
- Allow skin to air dry
I’ve worked really hard on drinking enough and making sure I remove all my make up too. While I get that the damage I’ve done waging compulsive war on my skin I also am really proud on how far I’ve come with solving my problems too. It’s supremely difficult to get a hold on these behaviours and I do still slip up but it’s not as bad as it used to be and that’s progress to me. It’s proof that I can and will improve with time and support but that I have to put in the work. It’s weird I’ve written more in the last month than I have in years and it feels great but I’m still terrified this is all shite. I don’t even know what the purpose of this post was but it felt good to write about it. I’m not one of those people who hide their mental health problems because I feel like feeding the taboo only makes things worse. I am a really happy person, I live a full and wonderful life with people who love me as much as they respect me. I am deeply grateful for my life but I am sad under all the layers of happy. My partner is an angel and having someone so supportive is a beautiful thing, he understands that my current circumstances are not what I’m sad about it’s before him that I’m sad about - my ocd and all their offshoot behaviours, anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, ptsd and grief aren’t a reflection of my life now. They’re all leftover shadows of who I was once but I can and will continue to grow. I really hope this shit show of a post was worth reading and you got something from it. Also BOOK YA SMEAR TEST. Love and fuckery, Monica xxx
