I’m struggling.
My almost six-year-old daughter is the most beautiful soul I have ever met in a girl. She is kind, loving and wants to please everyone. I love her deeply.
But I don’t understand her.
She is so different from me.
She is shy, introverted and scared to try anything new. So scared she often seems paralyzed by fear.
I’ve spent the past years trying to pull her out of her shell. Sometimes through tough love and other times with a strong, softer touch. But in the end, she still clings to my leg and cries at the hint of independence.
This past weekend we visited close friends who moved to a new city. They have two young children as well and they watched as my daughter cried hysterically when she couldn’t do the balance bike and felt left behind by the rest of the kids, or when we asked her to reach out and play with their cousins joining us for dinner and she nervously stood behind me. They saw how uncomfortable I was and how she struggled.
And as we stood in their kitchen while our children all slept that night, my friend said a phrase that I can’t stop thinking about.
“You have to accept her for who she is.”
Funny, you hear that about such serious things like someone’s sexual orientation or career choices, but you never think about it in smaller, specific contexts. My daughter is an introvert and has a very hesitant cautious personality. I need to accept that and use a kinder approach. I need to truly know that she isn’t like me. That the things that come naturally to me might not come naturally to her. And I have to be okay with that. I’m just not sure how.
What I do know is that I would do anything to see her smile. And the idea that I might not be giving her the opportunity to do that by being too tough kills me.
So I’m going to try.
I’m going to try to put myself in her shoes more. I’m going to let her stand behind me and stop telling her to be outgoing. I’m still going to challenge her to try new things but I want to be kinder. Kinder to the fact that she has to find her own way – that my way isn’t the only way.
I’m okay with her knowing that, but my husband better not go finding out my way isn’t always the best. I’ve worked hard to pull off that illusion for the past eight years. This kid better not go screwing that up.
