It’ll Be Okay

The one thing that truly irks me about people is how they think they can save people - myself included, I am a sucker for a person needing love or support. I know why I do it, it’s ingrained into me to fawn and want to help the desperate, broken and, in need mainly because I am the desperate, broken and, in need. I feel like I can fix them and myself somehow- stupid, I know but also because it’s a role I’ve played as long as I can remember so it’s just part of who I am now. I’m unsure as to what exactly it is about people but they start of with good intentions, they want to help. Bar the inherently manipulative who just view you as fodder most people truly believe they can help you; that in their care you will flourish and heal. They want to be the hero because it is the right thing to do but somewhere along the lines it stops being about doing what’s right and they just start liking the feeling being a savior gives them. It satiates the hunger to be needed and gives roots to a sense of strength. Especially in weak people, it’s the first time they will feel stronger than someone and usually the other person will just let it happen because they want the help, they want to believe they are worth the time it would take to fix them and that someone would really stick around. They don’t mind being the weaker submissive one because finally someone just want to love them and support them with seemingly no other motive. There’s no cost, it feels unconditional. But of course it’s not. Everything has its price. Everyone seems to love a depressed or mentally suffering individual... that is until their depression and it’s followers rear their heads, that’s when the party seems to get real empty. I constantly see comments of “always here if you need me”, “pm me hun” and “you have me” on posts about folks having a bad time but hardly any of those people actually message or call the poster to check on them. Generally folks will dish out a like, emoji or even a few words but when it comes down to it most people will evaporate. There are so few that will actually try to help, so few that will stay up with you, visit you, call you and in general just really be there for you. So few people who will put the effort required to maintain a relationship with a mentally ill person because it is hard work. I’m not standing on my mountainous pile of dirty laundry and saying it’s easy- it’s exhausting and takes more than just the right words to actually be in the life of someone who is struggling with childhood trauma, ptsd, abuse, eating disorders, mental breakdowns and anything else that comes with or can be included in the world of mental illness. I get that it’s hard but stop promising you’re going to love people no matter what and be there for them through it when you’re not, stop promising them the universe and delivering an ants asshole of effort. We are broken enough, we don’t need more reasons to be sad. I don’t need to add anymore bodies to my list of people who are now dead to me. My fucking closet is full of the skeletons of people hiding from me in it. So many people haunt me - those I’ve had to walk away from, let walk away from me. Some people I’ve had to grab my sanity and run from and some that threw me out of their lives. Not everyone is forever or more than a lesson so stop taking their words for it and focus on their actions, you don’t have to tell them or blame them but keep it in mind and use it to measure what you reciprocate. Stop pouring yourself in to people who are Pythagorean cups because you will just spill on to the ground and they will leave you there. They will leave you to die under then sun then at your funeral tell everyone how much of a light you were in their life and how they wished they’d done something different. I wish I could sit people and a thirteen year old me down and just explain that under no circumstances can you love the depression out of someone. You can love them through them dealing with it and learning how to cope but you cannot love it out of them - ptsd isn’t medicated with hugs, anxiety cannot be treated with kisses. You can’t “I love you” the trauma out of people. Things won’t be okay once you’re together, if anything they will be worse because you are their safe place and when a traumatised person finally feels safe they will fall apart and it will be ugly. You will question them, yourself, your choices and theirs. When someone who has had to be on high alert and in fight or flight most almost constantly finally enters a time when they don’t need to be they can’t switch it off, they worry about why they’re not worrying. Being loved with no reason but love is terrifying and feels like a lie so everything you do will be questioned because we just need a reason we, we just need to know how you’re going to ruin us and break our hearts. It is a time where their reality is shattered and they have to build a new version of themselves. Years of gaslighting, abuse and training have to be unlearnt. They have to take all the trauma they have been through and actually process it which oftentimes is far worse than the initial incident. Be hurt is bad having to relive it over and over with or without trigger is hell on Earth. Imagine the worst thing that’s ever happened to you and now think about having to experience it again every time someone says your name, somedays you might go without anyone saying your name and others you might have someone yell it at you or repeatedly introduce you to new people. Somedays someone you love might say it and others it might just be you whispering it to yourself. You can’t get away from your own head. No matter what you do that trauma, feelings, pain and damage are all there and you carry them with you until you divest yourself of it by processing it all. No one can do it for you. No one can fix you. No one can help you if you aren’t ready yet. The worst bit is people want you to be the “old you”, the you they fell in love with but they don’t understand the old me is dead or fictional - I either made them up so you would like me, so you wouldn’t leave me. I just gave you whatever you wanted so you would stay or I’ve been through too much to be the person I was and that’s the truth for most people. We can never go back to who we once were. The new version is the one that you get to love or leave. You don’t get to tell us that what we’ve made from the ruins of whatever was left isn’t good enough because it’s all we can be. Healing is not linear, it’s a universe. The human mind poorly understood because it’s just one lump of spicy emotion sauce drenched jelly trying it’s very best to understand itself. We are just trying out best. Please stop telling damaged people you will fix them or getting mad when they get better and don’t need to depend on you so much. Stop picking and choosing when you’re going to care- just fuck off. Stop abandoning people with no explanation because you don’t want to stick around. Stop making their trauma and the fall out about you. They’re not lazy or boring - they’re ill. Stop giving them a glimmer of hope only to crush it all. Just go away if you’re not here for the right reasons. No one wants you here if you’re just here to cause more hurt. I’m so sick and tired of you weak people trying to use other people’s victims as step ladders to reach your top shelf ego. Do me a favour and go find something better to do. Like maybe be a better person and leave them to heal themselves. They’ve managed to keep themselves together so far - they will carry on doing so. They didn’t need you before you made them depend on you, there was a time where your presence wasn’t important and your input wasn’t indispensable; they can return to that time. I say this a lot but idk what any of this is really. Whenever I write it’s because sometime is stuck in my mind and I have to get it out before it drives me crazy. It helps me. I hope you get something from it too. Love and fuckery,Monica              xxx