"It's Not a Real Relationship If... You Don't Stfu".

Oh my fucking fuck. So over the last few months I seem to have time and time again been faced with the sentence "its not a real relationship if..." now we all know I have a grave disdain for the whole "real" argument and how much it fucking irks me but this one really takes the fucking fuck.
I'm scrolling through Facebook like everyone does and then I see this post from a magazine page about how this couple became close because she basically shat herself after the third date and clogged his toilet. I mean... that's a lot to happen all at once, but all's well, that ends well and they married some years later. What a lovely heart warming story of a damsel in gastronomic distress... now the story itself wasn't my issue, it was little fuckwits commenting like the are all fucking marriage counsellors. 
"ITS NOT A REAL RELATIONSHIP IF YOU DONT EVACUATE YOUR BOWELS OF GAS AND BODILY FLUIDS IN FRONT OF ONE ANOTHER WITHOUT SHAME OR JUDGEMENT BECAUSE IT IS A PERFECTLY NATURAL THING"
Now that whole sentence and anyone that genuinely believes in it can suck on my literary dick because fuck you and judgment for my use of manners.
First of all, do you, motherfucker. Secondly, don't fucking tell me that my relationship is now invalid because I am a well-mannered person; my mother raised me with great attention to manners and decorum, I am a naturally shy person (read: OCD makes me paranoid), just because you are okay with it doesn't mean I fucking have to be. I am the type of person that has to bleach the whole bathroom in her own home before she can use it, l have to run the tap when I pee, I have OCD and I have a serious problem with hygiene, just because you are relaxed doesn't mean I am.
My favorite comments discussing the topics were suchlike "lol ladies saying they want to keep that side to themselves, what're you going to do when you are having a baby?" and "if you don't shit in front of your partner its not true love", by that estimation taking a shit on your partners chest must be the highest form of love. I just couldn't fucking take it, I just couldn't deal with the fucking idiocy that was just infesting this post.
Just very quickly I would like to put out a PSA:
Dear ALL WOMEN THAT HAVEN'T HAD CHILDREN
You do realize those with children are fucking with you? Of all the women I have known in my entire life that are with child, only one women shit herself during giving birth. It was pretty fucking grim she had a water birth and I think the word she used was "floating" so there is that but honestly it is such a rare occurrence.
THANKSKBYEEEEEE.
I just cannot stand this utter stupidity. Last year I was told that popping each other's pimples is a thing that couples do... Nah, mate. What was even funnier was it was in a circle where my husband and  I, are considered the cutest couple. Now I'm not anyone to piss on anyone parade, if you like to spend your evenings cleaning your beloved blackheads, you get on with your bad selves; I can think of loads and loads of things I would rather do. Plus my husband and I, don't really get blackheads or spots so I wouldn't really have any thing to do.
I like to keep a little air of mystery about myself if I'm honest, I like to be goofy and silly but I also grew up around women who were... very proper and as such I have certain expectations of myself and the way I carry myself. You may think that I am just an uptight bitch but I don't give a fuck. I'm not someone to shy away from bad language and I have such an acidic, laddish, disturbing sense of humor nothing really phases me or gets me but I do like to keep my feminine ways about me, even if I do swear like a truck driver. Seriously, I will watch full-on slicey dicey surgery and child birth and carry on eating my sandwich, my husband loves the fact that I am a tomboy, it means I get his humor and we are on the same level. I'm forever saying "you do forget I'm your wife a little too often" because he talks to me like I'm a mate from school and I'm okay with it but sometimes it's just funny to point it out to him. He just laughs and reminds me of an off color joke I told a few days ago. We are close, relaxed and gross around each other, we both just have things we want to keep to ourselves.
Burping is a judged sport in our home- we rate on loudness and level of satisfaction, that includes my little boy - who btw kicks ass. His burps are so loud they reverberate through his tiny body. When I was pregnant my husband bought maternity pads for me without a single complaint, he even asked the pharmacist what would help my stitches heal. I can openly talk about periods and such with him, I know many partners that would rather not hear it. I have really bad psoriasis on the left side of my  head and as much as I would rather my husband didn't check if it was bleeding or flaking but he does. I'm pretty sure he'd sit on me to check it. For anyone that doesn't know what psoriasis is, it looks like I have oats stuck on my scalp- it's fucking gross.
The point I'm trying to make is that me and my husband have respect and equality in our relationship but we also have a balance. We are each others best friend, so we ask each other anything and everything. Being polite or having a sense of decorum isn't a bad thing either.
I'm way more relaxed than most of my husbands friends/work mates girlfriends or wives and it shows when they all talk. And it's because we are friends first. I know that I'm a better mate to my partner,  than I am wife. I pride myself in it too. Little things confuse me like apparently, the fact my husband calls me "mate" is a big thing, we call each other names all the time, like "oi dickhead" and "I love you, butt face" is forever being banded around our home but unlike most people we have never swore at each other during an argument because we both believe if you have to embellish your point with swearing or yell your side- you're doing it wrong. I have a fear of yelling or shouting, I just shut down, my husband knows this - it takes me back to dark places so he never takes his voice higher than a certain volume because he knows it terrifies me. The fact that I need to know where Raj is all the time isn't because I'm controlling it's because I have anxiety, if he hasn't called me by 6:30pm I start to panic, I think something awful had happened. I want him at home with me all the time because we genuinely love spending time together not because I don't want him to have any thing other than me but he always gets called "whipped" or "under the thumb", no. It's not like that. He just would rather be snuggled on the sofa with my warm little body hugging him, watching tv than having to conversate with you guys in a club or bar because he is generally an unsociable person. I'm his favorite person in the world, that's why he married me.
I feel like people prioritise the wrong things in relationships and it leads to dumb shit being seen as #relationshipgoals. To me  if you can do every single dirty thing in the urban dictionary but you can't tell him when you're upset than you're doing it wrong. Or if you guys can shower together but he won't buy you tampons then what's the point. You can dress the same and have matching high tops, be one another's #mancrushmonday or #womencrushwednesday but if you don't trust them with your phones pass code you need to settle your backwards ass down. But that's me.
I'm the person when I am totally alone with my partner. If you can't be that person who ever that is, then for real I don't know what you're doing. Stop trying to invalidate other people's relationships, just because you subscribe to a different ideology of what is a healthy relationship. A real healthy relationship is just being happy together so just be happy and deal with the fact other people are happy with how thier relationship is playing out.
How much do you trust your partner? Because that's way more important to me, more than  anything else.
With all my love,
Monica
            xxx