I’m sorry, I’m having a moment.
When I was in hospital Demi Lovato released her song, “Sober” and it resonated with me in ways I couldn’t explain. I’ve just listened to it for the first time since I got out and I’ve found myself in a dark place in my mind.
I won’t lie – I’m genuinely sad by the events that have unfolded in her life and I can’t help but feel a bit intune with her emotions. The loss of a parents love without explanation or reason seems to plague both of our lives, and it’s something that I think plays such a huge role in addiction.
So please allow me a moment, just a simple moment to write down the thoughts keeping me awake right now.
I was printing photos out tonight (226 to be exact) for our wedding and little keepsakes for our bridal parties and family members. As I looked over some of the photos it really hit me for the first time how sad I am that certain people are no longer in my life. I was wondering if I am meant to cut them out of the photos just as they have my life from theirs. Or whether I keep them in and feel a pinch of pain each time I glance across the glossy spreads.
Since we got engaged my bridal party has changed so many times I can’t keep count. Peters has stayed the same the whole way through – his 4 childhood best friends and his brother.
Sadly, three of my former best friends are no longer part of my life. My highschool best friend suddenly cut me off without warning just before her wedding, my uni best friend departed years ago due to issues we never could resolve and the last left the night I concluded my duties as Maid of Honour for wedding abroad.
There’s no point laying blame anymore or pointing fingers as the damage is doneand the memories sealed; but for the first time in a long time I found myself crying tonight thinking about these people.
I’m constantly questioning whether I’m doing enough or whether I’m deserving of people’s love and friendship. This doubt and confusion and played such a massive part in my alcohol addiction as I truly felt like a fun and worthy person when I was drunk – at least until the depressive and sometimes extremely narcissistic tendencies would destroy the night.
I also seem to go above and beyond for most people which takes such a toll on my mental health when the acts are not returned. With these three people who have left, they have very little in common other than for some reason I tried to win their love and affection for years but never felt 100% safe and secure in our friendship. Not surprisingly they were all present during various phases of my depression and were all present at times when I had been admitted to hospital after a suicide attempt. The one thing they all have in common, in hindsight, is that whenever I tried to raise my depression or suicidal tendencies, it was quickly swept under the rug and never discussed.
Part of my journey on sobriety has been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for how I have handled relationships and friendships. On a daily basis I will be reminded about a time I said something horrible, or did something unforgivable – regardless of whether I was drunk or stone cold sober. The truth, I’m just learning, is that even if I was sober, alcohol just fed my depression and made me self destruct and sabotage so many chances at happiness. Just because you are sober for one day or one week, it doesn’t mean you have really come to terms with sober thinking – instead you try to block thoughts with distractions until you can get drunk again and then suffer for the pain you have caused.
I genuinely don’t think any of these women were negative or bad influences in my life. Rather I hated myself so much I never believed I had anything to offer so I went over and beyond trying to impress these people with someone I wasn’t, and when they saw the true me, drunk or recovering, I think they were shocked and confused. It wasn’t the person they signed up to be friends with and rather than admit this, they felt an immense amount of guilt and just stayed around to try and maintain a friendship with the person they thought I was.
Maybe I’m wrong. I’m not sure. But all the same I miss those people and I wish I had been raw and honest and sober me from the start. I’m a bit messed up and maybe always will be, but I don’t think I’m inherently abad person. And if I had given just a minute for them to know the real me, without all the fanfare, or manipulating them to like me, they could openly choose to leave me be rather than feeling obliged to stay in my life and cause more pain at the bitter departure.
