In the beginning, God made man and woman in His image, this we know. What we didn’t know is that God also imparted Eve with a magical vagina. Did you know that 99.9% of women were unaware of the magical abilities their vagina possesses? It’s our lucky day, ladies; Todd Akin has kindly cleared things up for us. If you thought the G-spot was too amazing to fathom, just wait until you hear what he found out!
All this time I thought I knew my lady bits better than anyone else in the world. Todd Akin, who is obviously a Jedi master of women’s anatomy, has taught me something I didn’t know:
If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try and shut that whole thing down
You mean… my vagina can fight off those nasty sperm in the event of a rape? Holy-shit-balls.
I, for one, am relieved that we have been imparted with such a magical anatomy. I mean, really, who knew that my uterus could tell the difference between rape and regular sex?! I have so many questions! Like; is my magical vagina able to differentiate between Rape and Rough Sex? If I’m feeling kinky I don’t want to accidentally shoot lasers out of my hoo-ha and scare off my man.
Or, is it possible to activate this ability without actually being raped? Because if so, dear god, the world would save so much money on condoms and birth control.
Furthermore, what exactly makes a rape ‘legitimate’? I’ve heard horrible stories of women that were raped and ended up pregnant. I mean obviously those rapes weren’t legit enough but I’m very curious as to what they did wrong. Did they not cry enough? Or had they dressed too provocatively and therefore were asking for it? Todd Akin, please, enlighten me to your Jedi ways!
The only thing that I’m scared of is that rapists will try to take advantage of this magical ability of ours. If they know that we can prevent ourselves from getting pregnant then couldn’t they possibly sue us for neglecting to do so? I mean sure, we could just as easily sue them for the whole rape fiasco, but where would it end?
…
On a more serious note; Fuck. This. Guy. How is he allowed to breathe, let alone run for public office? What’s even more appalling is that he has refused to drop out in lieu of the backlash.
Does Todd Akin get the irony of staying in and going all the way even though no one wants him to?—
Alex Baze (@bazecraze) August 21, 2012
Equally appalling is his websites inability to spell “You’re”.
