I think about you more than I ever admit
I don’t know why, but I assume people wouldn’t understand …
We weren’t best of friends
Or extremely close
In fact, when you passed I don’t think I had seen you in over 4 years
But you gave me words of advice and strength
You saw some beauty in me, when I never saw it myself
I remember the day you told me you wish you had my eyelashes… I had never thought I had anything to be envious of..
There you stood, glammed up in your school uniform, your phone non stop buzzing and ready for a day full of girly high school drama that I longed for…
How could you ever see anything special in me ?
I remember your words of kindness, and often hear them in my head in your mischievous tone…
You had no idea how many times just seeing your smile lifted me up just enough to pull through another day
I remember when I got the news …
I didn’t believe it
It couldn’t be true
I had to pull over, tears streamed down my face at a pace quicker than my head knew what to do …
I called my brother, told him the news…
Hoping he would tell me I was wrong, but all he could do is breathe down the line in shock and ask, “how” and “why?”…
Then the day came we finally said goodbye
I hated myself so much because for months we had been saying, “we need to catch up”… But little did we know, this would be the first and last time since school..
The song that played the moment you were lifted out of the hearse still haunts me to this day
It was meant to be an upbeat, dance song… But all I can hear are the tears from that day and the trembling voices of your loved ones…
I stopped believing in spirits long ago, but every now and then you’ll visit me in a dream
It’s always a dream of purpose and you are always urging me to do something more… To become the person you clearly knew I could become even though I assumed I was invisible and worthless
You will never know how much your kind words meant to me… How I was upset and worried if you ever missed the bus… How I aspired to be as bubbly, carefree and loved as you
I know you lived your last months to your hearts content and saw more in those days than many see in a life time…
I just wish I had the chance to hear your bubbly voice, your contagious laugh and see that beaming smile lighting up the world one last time before it was all over..
I am eternally sorry I continuously said, “we’ll catch up soon…” When that “soon”, turned into never again…
