Don't eat snow. Just because it's not yellow does not mean it's clean!
If you're having a rough time, talk or write about it.However funny it seems, vomit is not a good opening to a novel. (I know, I was shocked at that too... I thought my reference to the presence of carrots that were never eaten was a winner!)When you have children, don't plan too far ahead least you be disappointed.Learn the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer. It's good advice for anyone. When playing the tooth fairy, copious amounts of glitter adds magic and truth, also a large amount of vacuuming but it's worth it.Don't sleep with a guy on the first date or before the first date. Ever. A moment on the lips is really about 6.5 lifetimes on the hips so just decide, do you really care?Look both ways before you cross the road and then look again for idiots.Get a steak to room temperature before you cook it.If a man ever attacks you, make loads of noise to help distract and scare them.Be proud of your poetry but don't be a snob. I make the general assumption that if you are a snob about poetry you are overcompensating for something; talent, life experience or just your bog standard "size matters" issues.
The overuse of the word "it" can make you either an idiot or a genius - it's a fine line.If a woman attacks you, making a fuss will only wind her up.If you ever do Zumba, take a large bottle of water and a towel.If a man can’t find time for you or time to text you over important stuff, move on with your dignity in tact.If you don’t move on, handle the situation as atrociously as possible so as to make him think twice before he pulls that one on another girl. (Or at least use this as an excuse to keep the psycho rumours to a minimum.) Throwing spaghetti at a wall helps you find out if it is cooked enough or not. (To stick or not to stick, that is the question.)Don’t throw spaghetti at a wall in a kitchen if it isn't your kitchen.When remembering how to parallel park, don’t forget Lucky Roger Rodgers Lucy.Being over the age of about 25 and liking Justin Bieber is not OK. Really. No. I mean it.Don’t choose dating partners solely based on book preferences - I like Sci Fi but I also like men who don’t live in their parent's basements watching Star Trek reruns!Say your prayers to whoever (just in case really...) or use mine below.
The Lord's Prayer - as reinterpreted by woman
Our Father who art in heaven,(We know you’re a woman by the way)Hallowed be thy name.(Although we wish you’d come clean,)Thy Kingdom come,(Queendom)Thy will be done,(And ours too for once please?)On Earth as it is in Heaven.(Or like in that club in Magic Mike!)Give us this day, our daily bread,(Also that cute, tall blonde with the blue eyes and big smile)And forgive us our trespasses(Because you know that we were right.)As we forgive those who trespass against us(Hahaha that’s a good one...)Lead us not into temptation(There’s enough of it about already)But deliver us from Evil,(Split ends, cellulite and those last 5 pounds...)For thine is the Kingdom(Seriously, again with the Alpha male stuff?)The Power and the Glory(Well you know a man cooked this crap up!)For ever and ever(We are with you Queeny!)Amen.(Deal.)
