There are times in your life when you must paste on the smile. You nod your head politely and have no idea what the conversation is even about. I have been through many of those moments. This last year has been an extraordinary journey for me. I have learned many valuable lessons. The biggest one of all, the one that can make or break you, is the realization that it's okay to be "not okay" during your life. You do not have to have it all figured out.
It is okay to say I am going to take a break from this. It is not failure until you quit. It is okay to let people be disappointed in you. That is their expectation of you, not yours. Your success is not tied to anyone. Period. I have disappointed many people in my life, I'm sure. Because they saw a vision of how my life should be. I sold my first house to the amazement of others and bought an older home surrounded by wonderful trees, near water, and a nature trail. People I knew thought we had lost our minds buying this old house. I downsized. OMG. Less? How dare I live with less. As I look out my window now, all the leaves are brilliant and beautiful. I call my old friend and we go for walks on the trail near my house. I no longer live next to an AIRPORT. You would have thought I moved half-way across the universe. Seriously.
I have been writing almost everyday. I am a writer. I know it amazes some and confuses others. It's my J.O.B. now and I am currently not getting paid for it. It doesn't mean I will never make any money ever again. No, it doesn't. But it means I am doing something for me. Not for anyone else. And I like it. I can volunteer at my children's schools now, and pop in when needed. I can work the school store, and actually go to the store. The benefits are amazing. They are hugs, kisses, and meeting tiny people at the bus. I no longer have the latest clothes...it's okay. Yoga pants are all the clothes I need anyway. They are awesome.
So during this time, I have not had it all figured out. But I have come to the conclusion that if we are HONEST with ourselves, and our friends, the ones who matter will still be here after I get finished with this process. If they are gone, they were not willing to be part of my life. That is not mean, negative or spiteful. It is the truth. It took me long enough to figure this out.
So the next time you are having problems, like one of my closest friends says, "It's okay to not be okay." Life will go on, just remember to pick yourself back up and keep going.
