Dreams we all see; irrespective of what reality denies us, we dare to dream. We keep chasing those dreams until we can actualize them. But once the race is run, the finish-line is crossed, and the trophy is almost delivered to your extended arms, what next? Wasn’t your life easier when you knew your goal was to run as fast as you can and you were working towards it?
I stand today at one of the crossroads of life where things seem out of my hands. May be tomorrow it won’t look like a crossroad at all, but today it seems life-changing.
I never really wanted to be an engineer. I was smitten by the limited career options I knew of, and the social expectations a typical middle-class family sets for the next generation. Engineering was a Hobson’s choice; Electrical Engineering was what was best offered by the institute.
During my second semester I actually decided something for myself all by my own – an MBA degree. My decision wasn’t affected by my parents, relatives or anyone who chooses to advise what’s best for you. My decision was taken on a lazy afternoon when I was reading the newspaper. It was later supported by the various enquiries I made in Google. Ever since that day, I saw myself as a future manager and a potential leader. I started preparing myself for what stands ahead of me after I complete my B.E.
Electrical Engineering could never ever hold my interest; somehow, the computer science subjects did. In my 7th semester, I appeared for the selection process of the first company that visited the campus – an IT company, and I was selected, quite effortlessly. I wasn’t sad like my classmates who hated the idea of working in an IT company for a “meagre” salary. I wanted to know for myself what it holds for me. And although I had been deciding for three years to appear for the CAT exam in my 7th semester, the idea of being secured by a campus placement made me delay my goals for two years.
The two years are over now.
I finally appeared for a CAT exam where I actually gave my 100%, without regrets. Apparently, my 100% was a mere 96.6%ile for CAT – not good enough. Although the results weren’t as expected I knew this was my last attempt for what more can you give when you’ve already given everything. Studying and working at the same time was strenuous but I knew I couldn’t study the entire day anyway if I had resigned any sooner.
To my surprise, I received calls for interviews from some of the best institutes like SPJAIN, IIMK, MDI and IIT D. February-April 2015 was a wild phase of traveling and appearing for Group Discussions, Writing Assessment Tests and Personal Interviews.
I was one terrified person in the month of February when I appeared for SPJAIN and IIMK selection processes where I wasn’t quite myself – too eager to impress. Eventually, I realized I have nothing to be ashamed of – if they take me, good and if they don’t, well, I’ll take it as a sign and embrace a change in the decision I took for myself some five years ago.
I was quite myself ever since – sometimes too happy, sometimes too sad, but brutally honest with what I’ve to offer.
The results are out now – MDI or IITD, I need to choose. Apparently, I don’t have to change that 5-year-old decision thinking that I am not made for an MBA. I’ve resigned from the company that gave me an experience to cherish, a growth to embrace, and lessons to remember.
My family is happy for me and so are my friends. The goal that I had been working towards, have reached its first finish line.
But what is it in me that lash my soul like the waves hit the shores on a stormy evening? Why am I not happy?
Who am I today when my goal stands in glory? I am back to being the school girl who is not very sure what she wants to do.
Am I ready for the big change from job-life to college –life, from salary to pocket-money, from work-hard to study-hard? May be. May be not.
Of late, my answers to almost every question has become “I am not so sure”.
Marketing or HR?
I am not so sure.
MDI or IIT D?
I am not so sure.
Chicken Roll or Biryani?
Umm…. Biryani. Ok, wait. I am not so sure. :-P
So, this is me today, standing on one of the crossroads of life which seems more like many endless concentric circles.
It makes me question how people are so sure of themselves, of what they are going to achieve, planning the next ten years of their lives. May be it’s the confidence they put on the dreams they see. I, however, spend sleepless nights these days. Dreams are out of question.
Every night, I sink in the pool of self-doubt that I’ve kept in my own backyard. Every morning, I cut the tall trees of dreams I planted years ago.
Probably, all I need is a little more time to adjust to the change I am not welcoming. Probably, all I need is to ask myself what I want. And when my heart and brain sing in unison, “I am not so sure,” probably I need to give them a break and a little more time to think.
But all my heart can think of now is the famous quote by Sylvia Plath –
“If I didn’t think, I’d be much happier.”
