I've been thinking about getting a remote-controlled helicopter, like the ones you can find at Radio Shack and hobby shops.
Sure, I've always been fascinated by flights of balsawood, rubberband-propelled aircraft, and my namesake grandfather was a flight instructor in World War II.
But I really want the remote-controlled helicopter so I can attach a camera to it, fly it around the neighborhood, and see what I can see.
That's the wonder of today's technology -- anyone can have his own private drone, at least the surveillance variety.
Shoot, the British Army is already using tiny helicopters as mini-drones.
I insist that I have good reasons for getting a drone -- it's really for the good of my family and my neighborhood.
In the first place, my eldest daughter turns 13 this month. Much like my wife and my readers, I don't know why the Universe has allowed me to become a parent of a teenager, considering I act like a teenager myself, but I've become more concerned about what my formerly little girl is up to.
The other day, for example, she went for a 30-minute run, which she alleged to be part of a "Couch to 5K" program. But how do I know what she's really up to? What if there's a boy waiting at the 15-minute mark? What if there's a friend waiting with a pack of Virginia Slims?
Well, there's one way to find out. Track her with aerial surveillance and live streaming video.
If a boy is involved, I might have to look through the back pages of Soldier of Fortune magazine and order a miniature missile launcher for my drone.
Actually, I need an armed drone for more than teenage boys. I need it for public safety purposes. Our street in Myrtle Beach sits between a stretch of residential homes and a stretch of beachfront hotels. We never know what kind of riff-raff might be staying at a nearby hotel. We can't do background checks on all these people, yet they're moving in and out of our neighborhood all the time.
Solution? Drone patrol.
And when the tourist-launched bottle rockets slice toward my house, I have instant vengeance at my fingertips.
Sure, there are additional advantages to having a drone. In case I need to know if the surf is rough at the beach, or if the sand is crowded with umbrellas, or if anyone is wearing a hot pink thong bikini, I can launch the drone and send it down to the sea.
Furthermore, when our smart dog jumps the fence and evades us, I wouldn't have to run around the neighborhood like an idiot. I could just guide the helicopter like a mockingbird toward her tail and shepherd her to the backyard gate.
If my seven-year-old daughter didn't love the damn dog so much, I'd go ahead fire missiles at the escapee, but I don't want to be too proactive in my judgments, not too much like the federal government.
At any rate, I think aerial surveillance has real potential for local homeowners, and I'm trying to be forward-thinking. If all my neighbors follow my lead, we might just need a drone-traffic controller.
For a small fee, I can guarantee your drone will never collide with another neighborhood drone.
The guarantee will not cover collisions with federal drones.
-Colin Foote Burch
