It started back in 2012.. it was the year I got married in fact. I'd discovered The Shaytards on YouTube, - an American family who videoed their lives every single day and who had become enormously popular for doing so. And then a few months later, I found The Saccone-Joly's, an Irish couple who too had started videoing their day to day lives. And I totally fell in love with the concept. I loved the idea that via youtube they were capturing not only the special moments in their lives, but the ordinary too.
As I've got older I have realised that often it's the ordinary moments that can be the best and sometimes we don't realize that at the time, perhaps not for a long time after. But it's often these ordinary sort of moments that shape us and make us into who we are. So how incredible it was for these youtuber's that I'd grown to love watching, to at the push of a button be able to access those memories frame by frame.
I became enchanted with the idea of capturing thoughts, emotions and moments. I was 23, about to get married to my childhood sweetheart and have my first child - I began to see my life as journey and I realised how happy I was at that point in my life. I wanted to capture my journey, so that then I could always go back and and feel like I remembered it all, not just what my own memory would allow for.
The problem was, was that I was camera-shy. So, so, so utterly camera-shy. I would try to film myself on the front screen of my iPhone, always in private of course as for some reason, I felt too embarrassed to tell my Husband and best friend Adam what I was doing. And on the occasions that I was even brave enough to press the big, scary record button, I would try over and over to get my words to come out, at least in some sort of order that was at all understandable, but I would stumble over my words and I'd get frustrated and then upset. It became obvious that I had very little confidence and tons of self-doubt.
It wasn't long after that, that I stumbled across blogging and I realised that writing a blog would perhaps be an easier way for me to capture pretty much exactly what I had wanted to capture, just without the video element, which had became such a hurdle for me and one I didn't seem to be able to cross at the time. And so my blog, this blog, was born. And I've never looked back. Which is something, because before this, I never really had a 'thing', certainly not a passion. But blogging became my thing, my passion, something for me. It helped me grow my confidence and helped me towards finding 'my place'. I'd never expected or even thought about it ever becoming my job, so when it did, it was a dream come true - one I still worry about waking up from.
A few years later, with the support and encouragement from Channel Mum, I tried my hand at video and youtube once again. Blogging had become my passion, but I don't think I had ever really lost the spark I had inside of me to want to be able to give capturing our lives through video a proper go. The thing with me is that, I accept I suffer with anxiety, I know I am never going to be the most confident or best at anything, certainly never in the beginning, but there's a fighter in me who says that it's not OK for me to just let my self-doubt, my fears or my anxieties stop me from doing something I know I am going to love, even if it takes me forever to feel ready to be able to do.
The second time around I again spent hours in front of the camera, stumbling and falling over my words. I got frustrated. I got upset. I felt anxious. I felt like an idiot. I felt like the only one who couldn't speak in front of a camera, of course I knew I wasn't, but self-doubt just totally flooded my mind. But there was still something in me that wouldn't give up. So I learnt to edit and I edited out the stumbles, I would piece the videos together until they made sense and then I'd upload them without backing out. And doing that started to feel like I was winning - for once I wasn't letting my fears hold me down. And since then I've slowly but surely felt more and more confident, I still stumble, I still trip, but I learn along the way and through that I grow and I am always proud that despite once feeling like I couldn't do it, I didn't and still don't allow my self-doubt to overcome me.
Today, I received one of the most confidence-boosting emails I think I could ever receive - an email telling me that I have been made a finalist in the 2017 video category of the Brilliance in Blogging awards and I must have read the email over fifty times already! I am so beyond grateful to those who have gone out of their way to not only watch my videos but to nominate me for an award. I still so often have wobbles and issues with self-confidence, but I am so humbled to have been voted for and I can't thank those that made it happen enough. It has boosted my confidence so much more than I can explain and whilst I am up against giants in the video category, I will forever be proud to say that I became a finalist in something I once didn't have enough to confidence to even begin doing.
So thank you, so, so much.
Every single comment, message and like I've ever received on my videos and on my blog has meant so much to me - I've felt supported, encouraged and have been shown so much kindness from people I haven't even met and might not ever get to meet. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
The BiBs finalist votes are now open! If you have a spare 30 seconds and you would like to vote for me, you can find the voting page here. Thank you! :) x
Alex xo
