There are some forms of grief that are difficult to understand, share and experience. This is one of them.
I haven’t written about this because it still makes me sad and chances are writing about it will leave renewed residual sadness.
I have had a love affair with theater for years now. The short story is after a thirty year absence from theater I rediscovered both my passion and my knack for it and came back to the stage with a fever. For the last few years though, family circumstances and then melanoma and the recovery from melanoma have kept me away.
I was thrilled to have the opportunity to be in an all-female cast of The Scottish Play.
It was during a conversation in the midst of rehearsal my life turned on a dime. I wrote about that experience here.
A week later I walked into rehearsal, approached my directors and in tears said, “I am so sorry but I have to drop out of the show.”
Cody said, “Do you want to talk about it outside?”
Still crying and feeling very stupid for my ever present emotions, I followed my young-and-wise director outside the building. I explained how my schedule had spun out of control and beyond that, my personal life had taken a hit also. I had thought about it and wanted to drop now while she had plenty of time to replace me.
As I expected, she was compassionate, loving and kind. She reassured me she knew I wasn’t a flake and hadn’t taken the decision lightly, obviously, by showing up in person to tell her. She had worked with me before and was confident we would have the opportunity again.
Tonight is closing night for the Scottish Play and I will be in the audience.
This was also take courage.
I enjoyed my character (Angus) and the relationships I had built during rehearsals. I felt confident in the direction I had taken. I had done the work, built my character via backstory.
I hadn't taken any of it lightly.
Last night I was at the Empty Space theater watching a play I had no personal connection with and the tears came, anyway. Bittersweet, oh, I miss this experience more than words can say sort of tears.
Tonight will be yet another form of letting go.
I might not feel ready AND I will do it, anyway.
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Julie Jordan Scott is a writer, performance poet, Mommy and mixed-media artist. Coming soon - more creativity camps, playgrounds and workshops to grow yourself artistically (and hey, just for fun!)
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This post is a part of the ongoing series for 31 Days challenge. I will be writing 31 blog stories about bold choices and using a bold voice...I started the challenge late so this is story 24ish or so (rather than 26) out of 31. if you would like to read all my posts from the beginning of the challenge, simply visit here, at 31 Days of Bold Stories, Voices and Choces
The question is making sure to carve out the time and to document it all in a way you'll enjoy reading about bold choices in a most authentic, real-me voice.
I'm grateful you are reading.
