Room 101 – What Really Gets on My Tits!

It’s nearly three months since my last rant. 
  It’s not that I’m feeling particularly grumpy this morning – I just feel like it’s time. 
Back at the beginning of August, my top 10 were:

1. Wheelie cases.
2. Tall people standing in front of me at concerts.
3. People driving whilst using their mobile phones.
4. Trying on jeans, and people shouting from the cubicles “ can you get me an 8, size 10 is too big”!
5. Laminate flooring.
6. People / recorded messages phoning me up about PPI insurance.
7. Poncey food in restaurants – the only drizzle I want to see is from the sky!
8. Supermarket checkout assistants who throw my shopping down the conveyor belt at me.
9. People who refer to carrot cake as one of their five a day.
10. People who use my wheelie bins - especially if they don’t separate their rubbish properly.

So what have I been adding to my list over the autumn? Well here are my next top five frustrations.
Dog poo in a bag. How hard is it to put the bag of dog poo in the bin? The difficult bit is getting the poo in the bag in the first place. Once it’s in there, the light is at the end of the tunnel. Why would I, whilst on a lovely country walk, want to look at trees and bushes adorned by ‘shit in a bag’ baubles? Who do you think is going to get rid of it? No matter how much you plead your innocence, tell me it’s only temporary and that you’re coming back for it. I don’t believe you. I say there’s no such thing as the dog poo fairy. As well as being disgusting, it’s a littering offense. If I catch you, I will give you a fixed penalty notice!

Thank you to Keep Britain Tidy (who I'm sure won't mind me using their poster).

  Baby on board stickers on cars. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I was going to tail gate and crash into the back of you, but now I’ll be much more careful. All ‘Baby on Board’ or even worse ‘Little Princess ...’ stickers say to me is that you are probably concentrating on your children more than the road, so are a hazard to any vehicle, bicycle or pedestrian within your vacinity. For that reason I will give you a wide berth.

X Factor judges. I am fed up of clichéd comments. ‘You nailed it’. Are you on DIY SOS? ‘You owned it’. Are you on Property Ladder? ‘You really want it’. Are we on Gok’s Fashion Fix? ‘You’ve come a long way’. Are we on one of Julia Bradbury’s walking programmes? It’s lazy and it’s boring. If Kelly Rowland says one more time “You put it down Momma”, I’m sending you off to Rolf Harris’ Animal Hospital. I say, you are paid a lot of money to come up with something interesting - work it! 
In Gary Barlow’s defence however, I do agree with his comment this week. I’m sorry, but ever since 1987 I’ve been wincing at how out of tune ‘China in Your Hand’ is. Carol Decker, you may have perfect pitch (in your words), but that pitch is as flat as a pancake (Momma). 

Twitter. I know I use Twitter, but honestly – do I really need to know that you are eating a panini? If I am following you it’s because I am hoping that you will say something interesting. It is like deciphering a different language, what with RT's and #ff and trending. Write in English. And if you are having a conversation with someone of more than three tweets – get a room – don’t clog up my twitter feed. Finally, if you are going to follow me, actively follow me, don’t just collect me. I am more than just a number! I say limit the re-tweets, cut the chat and say something interesting or I will de-friend you (wow – fighting talk).
  Christmas starting in November. Is nothing sacred? Christmas is in December. Why would I want to think about it before then? The only Christmas thing I want to buy in November is my advent calendar to remind me that the Christmas period starts on December 1^st. These days Christmas feels like a marathon. By the time we actually get to the big day, I’ve been ‘Harking Herald Angles’ for at least six weeks and I am exhausted. I’ve had at least seven turkey Christmas dinners (with all the trimmings) and I’ve developed a phobia of Christmas pudding. I say rein in the Reindeer and keep Christmas in December. And to those people who have already finished their Christmas shopping I say a) get a hobby and b) please will you do mine!

Phew – that always makes me feel better.
So what gets on your tits / moobs? Come on, get it off your chest!
PS. Please don't put me in Room 101!