Self Image

You know, this thing of self-image is a lot more than just the face you see in the mirror. (You know? Surprising!) Even when it comes to the face alone, you can, in the mirror, see a face that a gorilla would embrace as a long-lost relative, and think that Bollywood missed out on a great option when you chose not to try and become a romantic hero. (That's me? Not at all! George Clooney envies me my looks). You can look at a face that Katrina Kaif wants to possess in her next birth and wish that you were not so ugly. The image you carry of even your physical self - you know the "I am ugly" or "I am God's gift to mankind" - may really vary widely from what's there for the world to see.
If that can happen with faces, what can be said of other things that are much less visible? You know, in the days when I was at school, other kids used to sort of cold-shoulder me and I found myself thinking, "What is so unlikable about me?" Really! Even such a charmer like me could create such a wrong self-image for himself. ("Charmer? You?" you sneer? Who asked you to butt in, anyway?) Once you KNOW you are a charmer, you know the right way to think. It took a while for me, though, to realize that the right thing to ask myself was, "Why are these poor kids so nervous about making friends with me? I am not all that picky!"
The teens are about the worst age for messing up with your self-image. Yeah, I know, you develop this rather cool attitude of laughing AT other people, and calling that a sense of humor, but you develop a very distorted view of your own self. I mean, Casanova could have taken my correspondence course on how to attract women (and without even the aid of deodorants, which were conspicuous by their absence in my teens) but I used to feel that I was repellent merely because they had this quaint way of expressing their attraction by wrinkling their noses and making retching noises when in my vicinity. "I am not good enough for them", I used to think. Later, when I recovered the right way of viewing myself for the woman-magnet that I was, I realized that the truth was that the poor women avoided me because they were afraid that THEY were not good enough for me!
In short, over a period of time, I understood that it was my own self-image that was making me think, "What is wrong with ME?' whenever the rest of the world acted in any manner that seemed contemptuous of me. If I had a strong enough self-image, I would know that the right question to ask would be "What is wrong with THEM?"
There are pitfalls to even that, though. Take the man who shoots up a place or places a bomb that kills men, women and children indiscriminately. Does he view himself as "I am a callous killer?" Not at all. His view of himself is, probably, that of "I am doing God's work on Earth, eliminating the impious and the unworthy" and, obviously, he expects angels to roll out the red carpet and God Himself to award him the 'Distinguished Service Cross' or whatever, and seat him where he can hear the harp concert to its best advantage. One would almost think that the human race still believes in a God, who ought to be propitiated by the blood of human sacrifice, but have abandoned the puerile idea that it is necessary to conduct the sacrifice in any specific manner.
The thing about a self-image is that, if you allow others to draw it for you totally, you end up staring at a gargoyle. If you draw it all by yourself, you could end up looking on yourself as either a monster or a goddess. The trick is to sketch it in for yourself but allow the world to color this bit and add a line there and erase a curve here. Balance, that is the word, I am looking for - it is balance that will make for a self-image that keeps you sane AND keeps you reasonably happy as well.
How sad, then, that I cannot even balance myself when I am lying flat on my back!