I'm used to writing from the heart, but somehow this seems like a particularly hard post to write. I don't really know how to start it, so maybe I'll just go ahead, get to the point and say it .. I think I can sometimes feel a little lonely.
'Lonely' maybe isn't the right word as I have Adam - the person who I've grown up with and have been with for nearly half of my life. He's truly my best friend - the best, most kindest friend I could ever have wished for. And then I have Ethan and Logan - my two little boys who since being born have made me feel more alive and more content than ever before. I also have Adam's family who I'm really close to and who I feel extremely lucky to have. I also have my own family, I don't see them as much as I like and I'd love to be closer to my Mum, but they are always there and they always have my back if I'm ever in trouble.
But when it comes to friends that I regularly see, I'm not doing as well. I have one lovely friend who is also an ex-colleague, but unfortunately we don't get to see each other that often anymore. This is something I'd like to change.
The problem with me is that I've never really known how to 'friend'. I think I was born an introvert and also suffer with a degree of social anxiety - I'm not shy but I've naturally always preferred small amounts of company and I really like to get to know a person. I don't really like to gossip - I tend to think that as I wouldn't want people to gossip about me behind my back, I shouldn't do it to others. It's nice to be able to trust someone and be around somebody because you really want to be around them. A friend to me is someone that makes you laugh and somebody you can be around with no barriers or guards up.
Being without Mummy-friends or friends is a mix of insecurity in the form of a fear of rejection. It's a mix of anxiety in the form of sometimes struggling to step out of my comfort zone and meet people somewhere unknown. And also a mix of a lack of confidence as I'm usually too quick to doubt myself.
Growing up with Adam and doing everything with him has meant we sort of only ever needed each other. But now we have the boys, we are forced to spend more time apart and focus less on each other. I've also recently quit my job working for the police and I sort of miss the social element of seeing different faces everyday. Being a Mum, especially of two young children, I sometimes wish I had Mummy-friends around who 'just got it'. I absolutely love the blogging world for that - I feel so connected with so many other like-minded people because of my blog and to me that's invaluable. But sometimes I wish I was actually real life friends with some of the people I talk to or who leave me comments. It's hard when you feel like you really start to know someone and can really relate to them, but then you can't be there when they (or you) just need a hug and for someone to say 'It's going to be OK'.
A lot of how I feel is something I need to change myself. I need to overcome certain things and start saying yes to a lot more. I need to stop being afraid of rejection... I'm always surprised when I do pluck up the confidence to ask if someone is free and they say yes - I need to get over that. I need to believe in myself more and actively push myself out of the door when I want to do something but I'm too afraid to step out of my comfort zone - I know I'll be OK so I don't know why I do it. I need to start trusting people more and stop feeling like I'm the only sometimes-awkward or nervous person in the room. I want to set a good example to my boys, I want to kick anxiety's butt - but more than anything I want to rid myself of this sometimes reclusive feeling that creeps over me.
Do you ever feel this way or are you happy with the social balance in your life?
Alex x
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