It's hard to believe it's been a full year
Reading back on early entries, I can see that I was in quite a different place then
It was something verging on pro ana
I wrote things like
'I will be skinny'
'I'm starting a fast today'
Coincidentally my weight is now back at just below the weight I was when I started this blog
A lot has happened in the last year
And yet nothing has really changed
I started seeing Mary and she has been a massive support
I gained weight steadily over the year
And then lost it all in the space of two months
I traveled to Italy for my cousin's wedding
I spent a month in Australia visiting my sister
I spoke at an eating disorder conference
I was hospitalized with pancreatitis
It has been a roller coaster of emotions
Thrilling highs
Crippling lows
There were times when I thought I couldn't go on
Just last night I fantasized about death
I had an argument in my head about whether or not I should do it
But even in my darkest hour, something always stops me
Whether it's the impact it would have in my family
Or just blind faith that things will get better
I have to believe that things will turn around
I have to believe that I can recover
Otherwise what is the point?
I started reading blogs long before I started my own
The first blogs I came across were Yummy Secrets
2Medusa (which unfortunately is no longer running)
And Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress
I was amazed to find people who were just like me
Who thought the same way
Had the same behaviours
I wasn't a freak
I wasn't alone
I was inspired by other bloggers to tell my story
And last May that's exactly what I did
I started to write
I wrote and wrote and I soon found that I loved it
I am not a great speaker so writing is perfect for me
I can get my thoughts out at my own pace
At the time of starting my blog I was just out of treatment
Having had a bad experience in there I felt disillusioned and a bit lost
I wrote and I soon found a whole community of people just like me and they embraced me with open arms
I still remember getting my first comment (from Pretty Lies) and my first follower
I was blown away that people took the time the read what I had written
That I could be in touch with people thousands of miles away
I've met some truly amazing and inspiring people through my blog
Some of the most caring, creative, loving, talented people
This blog gave me a much needed place to express my thoughts and feelings
A place to vent
To unload the weight of this illness
Having pushed all my real life friends away, I found new friends here
And you all have kept me going
Helped me get through the last year
This blog and you all have saved my life over and over again
You will never know how each and every one of you have kept me sane
When I thought I was losing my mind, you were there to assure me that I wasn't
When I was on the edge, you pulled me back
When I thought I couldn't face another day in the midst of this illness, you gave me hope
When I was weak, you gave me strength
When I felt worthless, you were there with kind words
It means the world to me to have this support
So this post is a thank you to you
Thank you for being there this past year
For listening
For reading
For caring about me more than I care about myself
For believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself
For reminding me to keep hoping
For encouraging me to fight
For making me smile
For understanding when I made no sense at all
For supporting my decisions
For not judging me
For accepting me
For telling me the truth even when it's hard to hear
For telling me what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear
For your unwavering support
For your compassion
Kindness
For staying when others walked away
And ultimately, for inspiring me every single day
