This version of "better" was once a warm up page. Do you see the faces I was practicing underneath the "better"?
I am stuck in an inner debate over two words and which one is more appropriate to be used on a daily basis. It is a swordfight of semantics, feminine swashbuckling over which I should include in my conscious subconscious journeying.
I get into these conundrums which alternatively entertain and annoy the breath from my chest.
It all started with my continued passionate engagement with the gorgeous Connie Hozvicka’s Art Journal Wisdom process. Now, I was doing fine and then saw the video concerning “The Healing Journal” and for whatever reason, that hit the brick and cobblestone wall of my “why must we make everything wrong?” side of my personality.
“Why must we ‘heal’ from those experiences marked ‘not good’ in our lives. Why can’t we simply do something like continually focus on ‘better’ because it all just is. What we mark ‘BAD’! using a big red pen is just another one of life’s experiences. Maybe it doesn’t need to ‘heal’ at all, perhaps that is what our opinion needs to do,” and now as I write, I realize this third attempt to wrap language around the quandary is definitely assisting me to make progress between the warring factions in my mind.
Yesterday I wrote this:
Lately I have done anything except follow directions.
If the directions say “turn left at the fork” I will purposefully either go straight or turn right. Directions seem to have lead me astray and the contrarian in my veins has taken over.
My participation in Dirty Footprints Studio art journal wisdom workshop is no different.
Connie gives us brilliant guidance and we are to make a page with the theme “healing”. This should be comforting to most people except my inner contrarian (I realize some might say inner spoiled brat) gets smug and refuses to take on the theme of “healing” because it infers there is something wrong that needs to be fixed.
“I’m going to make a ‘better’ page because it is similar and it doesn’t infer wrongness, it infers perfectly satisfying yet always moving toward excellence.” Even in writing those words I can feel my nose lift higher in the air.
Smug about a discussion of semantics.
I am lovingly calling this still not-quite-finished page "For Better or Worse" - the vintage wallpaper section of the page is the greenest, probably because of the yellow wallpaper underneath. It will probably become a much loved page.
Ironically when I worked on my “better” page I wound up in tears because I painted over vintage yellow wallpaper and I hadn’t realized it because I was so into the flow of freestyling I hadn’t given any thought to what was on the page before I threw another layer of paint down.
Three days later I am laughing out loud over the delectably wry side of my personality alongside the sweet vulnerable side.
Sometimes I feel like there is a Stephen Sondheim musical being written when I am asleep and because of this, I have such entertaining internal conversations.
The me who pretends to be in charge of my life is here to tell you, I actually believe in the “better” concept.
Healing works - especially when one has had surgery or an upset tummy or is dealing with some sort of emotional breakdown and/or breakthrough. While I know “healing” doesn’t have endings, I am choosing to build a bridge from healing to better when the physical nature is less noticeable.
I’m thinking of my melanoma surgery, for example.
I was healing from the surgery - my entire body - for about four or five days. My face stayed fairly seriously lacerated for several weeks, but even when the sutures were still there, I think the bridge to better could have been in place.
Some of you may think this is a form of denial.
I’m here to tell you these thoughts are among the most conscious and passionately inner debated ever.
I’m most fired up because so much of that debate happened without language, it happened with a creative process.
Imagine what might happen if world leaders came together with art materials and created journal pages before negotiating with words?
I would love to hear your thoughts here - and if you aren’t ready to comment, you might just sit there at your keyboard and snap your fingers. The Sondheim-esque players will hear and feel satisfied and they may - or may not - share their glee with me.
Thank you, Connie, for generously sharing your Art Journal Wisdom with me.
Julie Jordan Scott is a writer, performance poet, Mommy and mixed-media artist. Coming soon - more creativity camps, playgrounds and workshops to grow yourself artistically (and hey, just for fun!)
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