9/29/10
Gabriel,
I’ve been trying to ignore the feeling that this project needs to reach you somehow, but it is insistent, so maybe there’s some reason I don’t know of that compels me to get it to you. For all I know, you have its original already, but the nagging persists, so I must relent. I have no wish to offend, nor do I have an agenda to insert myself into your life without invitation, so let me just say that it has been a pleasure to have known you, that I wonder often how you are, and that while your silence confuses me, I respect it all the same and keep my distance. If it turns out that my friendship has been unwanted, then I am sorry to have pestered you, but I will not apologize for caring about you, and my prayers are continually with you and your family.
To put this project into context — it is, simply put, my reaction to the details of your accident, particularly that you had relapsed and were drinking. Relapse is a most discouraging thing, as I have been there myself, but it isn’t cause to despair completely, so it is hope that I offer here in these little steps. As there have been those who have encouraged me when I was at my worst, my aim here was to pass it on.
You’re doing just fine. If there’s anything to remember during the hard times, it’s that. Just fine.
Don’t forget.
Violet
******
7/24/10
STEP 1:
ADVENTURE n. : an exciting or remarkable experience.
“I am not an adventurer by choice, but by fate.” – Vincent Van Gogh
…..
Some of us think that life in recovery must be boring. Wrong. Life in recovery is anything but boring. The reason we escape to begin with is because of our apparent inability to handle our emotions. What happens, then, when we decide to start feeling them? Addicts in recovery — true recovery — are among the most exciting people the world has to offer.
You ready for it?
Are you ready to trade recklessness for spontaneity, exchange dulled senses for razor sharp wit, and swap engineered adrenalin for the natural brand found in freedom? The moment you do, congratulate yourself; you’ve just hooked a bona fide adventure.
The best part is that travel is unnecessary… the adventure lies in a life lived.
******
STEP 2:
INGENIOUS adj. : marked by originality, resourcefulness, and cleverness in conception or execution.
“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”
- Douglas Adams
…..
Ingenuity is not only reserved for getting away with practically anything; I mean, sure, it can help you convince some poor unsuspecting Joe to blow his kids’ college fund on an exotic car, but it also comes in surprisingly handy when you decide to combat years of practiced rationalization.
As our past with addiction indicates, we know how to get ourselves into trouble… it makes sense that we would need just as much ingenuity to keep ourselves out of it.
Can it be done?
The challenge is ours to accept. Of course, if you have used any ingenuity in the past, you know that there is always a backdoor in every situation. Always. Why not use this knowledge to your advantage? Outwit yourself and you come out on top. Every time. By the way, the question begs to be asked:
What did you do with the dynamite after you smuggled it across the border?
******
STEP 3:
FRIEND n. : a favored companion.
“The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?” – Henry David Thoreau
…..
Friendship is one of our spirit’s most basic needs. To addicts who have trouble interacting with actual people, it may take the form of a diary, a picture, a shadow, an imaginary friend, a memory, or, in this case, in the representation of a beloved pet. We rarely choose our friends for their differences from us; what brings us together are the similarities in character and spirit. Many times we turn to our friends for help to lessen the pain of a departed loved one. They are with us at our worst — giving us borrowed strength — and if we are lucky, we are given the chance to serve them in kind.
Each of our friends has their own unique cadence for us; they encourage us to plod on when times are tough, halt the show for a good celebration when we succeed, and give us the odd meaningful look that lets us know when its our turn to take over the marching. This dance back and for of healthy interdependence between friends enriches our lives in ways that would otherwise be impossible.
And don’t let the name fool you… Carl’s a girl.
******
STEP 4:
COURAGE n. : mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.
“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.”
- Harold Wilson
…..
Fear rules our lives more than we addicts care to admit. Most of our actions are decided by fear, or, to put it another way, we let ourselves be acted upon instead of taking risks because the fear of what is seemingly certain to be lost is stronger than our faith in what might never be gained.
The secret to overcoming our fear is to realize that with every loss there is also a gain, and not only a gain, but a gain equal to the loss.
Remember, the Universe has balance.
We are promised to find every reward we seek, so if we use our intellect and take heart, we can have the courage to accept an unknown gain and willingly trade for it the loss of our comfortable parameters.
******
STEP 5:
TRUTH n. : a transcendent fundamental or spiritual reality.
“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” – Aldous Huxley
…..
I love this quote by Huxley. No matter how much the world lies, Truth cannot be smothered, hid, unmade, or destroyed. We cannot escape the truth of who we are, but the Enemy has myriad ways of distorting our perception. We begin to act in terms of who we think we are, and so subtle is the deception that we end up believing a lie that we would have balked at in pre-mortal life.
So, what is the Truth?
The Truth is that we are divine, incredible, steady, and loving. We are indomitable, compassionate, patient, and strong.
Truth is an expertly crafted blade; we may fear the pain of its silent thrust into our hearts, but at closer inspection, and with a certain measure of time, Truth becomes the one wound we never want to heal.
******
STEP 6:
HUMOR n. : the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous.
“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.” – Sir Frances Bacon
…..
It’s been said that laughter is the best medicine, so why not give yourself a regular dose? Humor is found everywhere — it’s a Trickster at times, dashing in and out of our awareness, often barely slipping from our grasp, but if we follow the clues left behind, we can be led to the proverbial pot of gold:
The coveted ability to laugh at ourselves.
No longer is our humor abrasive, coarse, or demeaning. We laugh with congeniality and compassion, and as we do, our insecurities fade and the atmosphere lightens for everyone, as though a fresh breeze has blown through our otherwise troubled minds.
I hope these comics make you laugh. I took a real chance with this one — most people either love The Far Side or they can’t stand it.
******
STEP 7:
JOY n. : a state of happiness or felicity.
“How good is man’s life, the mere living! How fit to employ all the heart and the soul and the senses forever in joy!” – Robert Browning
…..
Joy is usually inexpressible through words, though we try often enough to put a description to it. Music, however, has the uncanny ability to explain the unexplainable and is among one of the few universal languages. Joy is, today and in every moment, absolutely within our grasp.
How persistent is the attack on this truth!
Listen to this little piece by Franz Liszt entitled La Campalesson. It is one of the most delightful illustrations of felicity I have ever heard. It is played by David Helfgott, a savant and world-renowned pianist who, after a life of debilitating mental illness and serious trauma, found joy in music and balance in life.
I especially love the birds in the background. Is he playing on his patio, I wonder?
******
STEP 8:
HEAL n. : to restore to original purity or integrity.
“Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish; Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.” – Thomas More
…..
There is nothing quite like the quiet healing power of the Divine. In every philosophy and religion healing and restoration are somehow described, and we connect with it in such a way as to be transformed forever.
Truly, plugging into the Universe is one of the most singular experiences we can ever have. How we marvel at the healing that occurs in places we didn’t know were injured. Breathing then becomes easier, stillness becomes more frequent, and calm becomes our natural state.
When we surrender our wounded hearts and our anguish to Heaven, we are surrounded by magnificent strength. What is so very surprising is the discovery that the strength left in us after divine healing is our own.
******
STEP 9:
AUTHENTIC adj. : true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.
“In the practice of the Way, everything is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things until eventually you arrive at non-action.” – Lau-tsu
…..
You once described building model airplanes as a personal non-action — an example of doing without doing. Taoism, I have recently discovered, has startling similarities to the 12 Step program and recovery.
When we let go of things beyond our control, we obtain the blessed peace we crave. Our desire to alter things becomes as a disenchanted acquaintance; it pays the odd visit now and again, gradually losing interest, until finally, it fades into the shadows — never quite gone, but not the leading role in our private torment, either.
So grieve, release, live in the moment, and break down dearly held illusions of control to discover that a joyful, beautiful, authentic life is not only possible, but inevitable.
******
STEP 10:
FAITH n. : complete trust.
“A person consists of his faith. Whatever his faith , even so is he.” – Hindu Proverb
…..
For this step, I think it best to let the words of John Newton speak for themselves:
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on.
The night is dark and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet, I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now, lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, ‘spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!
So long Thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone.
And with the morn, those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost a while!
******
STEP 11:
OPPORTUNITY n. : a good chance for advancement or progress.
“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Milton Berle
…..
One thing that is always available to us but rarely seen, especially by the struggling addict, is opportunity. Our lives are rife with opportunity ready for the taking. How often we pass it by without even realizing it’s there — the daily grind becomes a trudge through a series of monotonous actions because we miss the chances for growth around us.
Disaster of any kind brings with it immense opportunity to mend broken relationships, restore faith and trust in ourselves and our loved ones, and, perhaps in this case, to begin again.
Don’t waste this chance to live your best life. Seize the opportunities, both hidden and obvious, and marvel at the recovery not just had by you, but by everyone around you.
******
STEP 12:
GRATEFUL adj. : appreciative of benefits received.
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” – Albert Schweitzer
…..
I remember one afternoon (it must be seven years ago now) that I found myself angry at God for not giving my husband at the time the career he wanted. It had fantastic benefits, prestige, and catered to his military past. I had been complaining for a good fortnight to my neighbor when finally, she pointedly asked me,
“So have you thanked God for not getting the job yet?”
This was the first time the idea of being grateful for a disappointment had ever gotten through to me. Since then, this lesson has been learned and relearned many times, but with each round, the gratitude becomes more sincere and the disappointment less severe. When we are grateful for our trials and especially our mistakes, we find that life is somehow much easier to manage. It becomes… dare I say it?… fun.
******
Finally, I would like to express my gratitude to you for being one of the people who has inspired me. How? Well, it’s difficult to describe, but I’ll do my best. It’s not so much what you do as who you are, and who I am around you. I am Violet in recovery, not Violet the addict.
Your friendship has given me the opportunity to give of myself, and before your accident, I found my overtures of intellectual camaraderie pleasantly requited. It is difficult to find a good listener sometimes, and even more difficult to find a person to discuss intangible concepts with.
Thank you for validating me, and thank you for helping me stay in recovery. Godspeed with yours.
Regards,
Violet
© 2010
