7/10/10
Gabriel,
I wrote all this before we talked all night and had so much fun the next morning. If I had known how profound a connection I was going to feel, perhaps I would not have ventured to talk to you in the first place. As it is, I’m discovering that I’m just an intense, passionate person – perhaps too much for anyone to handle – and I’ve got to see the good in everything around me, lest I lose myself in despair.
I wish I could casually date like everyone keeps telling me to, but I’m just not built to be casual. I’m sorry. It seems I fall short so much of the time, and I want to be stronger, braver, and more capable of giving, but everyone has their limits. I only hope I could be of help to you as you grieve, and I want you to know that whatever happens, I will never forget you. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. I thought I’d never find anyone who understood how I feel. I feel a little more sane, a little less cynical, and a lot more love than I ever thought possible. Perhaps I will see you in the future, but as for now, well…
…today is the best day of my life.
Love to you,
Violet
P. S. If you’re still interested in getting to know me come Christmas, give me a call.
……
7/3/10
Dear Gabriel,
I’ve been getting the feeling that I needed to write for a couple of weeks now, so I guess I’d better listen to my intuition and trust that I am ready to effectively describe what I have been dealing with since I met you.
To start with what I have already disclosed, we met while I was getting over someone else. In fact, I believe I came to you with a guy question – so there was no finality yet in my situation. There was still huge uncertainty about Jack, and I was not yet ready to embrace yet another rejection if he were to clarify his feelings in a platonic direction. Suffice it to say, I dealt with that situation and need not go into detail, as it is highly personal and I don’t believe it would mean much to anyone else but me. What I think you can relate to, though, is the very great fear that I would never be able to love again. I felt this fear for months with excruciating intensity. I mean, it was a struggle to even get through the day, but it taught me to appreciate the little things in life like singing along with my music in the car and finding random things to laugh about. Still, the emptiness remained, like a shadow that loomed over everything I did. I had just begun to accept it when I noticed you.
And what do you know? The most amazing thing happened. You and I started talking, and I felt something beginning to form within my heart. I couldn’t put a description to it, so I called it a question mark on the phone with you, and I was still very scared that I was on the rebound, so to speak, and that was the last thing I wanted. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was good, whatever it was. Time, it seemed, was what I needed to put my feelings to words.
It wasn’t until you said you wanted to work things out with Julia and I reacted with feelings of sorrow and regret that I realized that I cared about you. You — Gabriel… not some Jack stand-in. Those couple of days where I let the information incubate that you weren’t exactly accessible gave me enormous clarity. Sure, you weren’t accessible, but what a blessing to be able to see an opportunity to love again! I had been so afraid I would never have that right, but as it turned out, I could actually see it in my future, and that brought me so much gratitude that I wanted so badly to reach out to you — to embrace you and tell you how thankful I was for that.
But, I couldn’t do that without crossing a very clear boundary. You were off-limits, and as someone who valued self-control over self-gratification, I had to find a way to show you the depth of my feelings. I wondered to myself if I could figure out a way to thank you anyway. There must be some way I could tell you how much seeing hope after heartache meant to me.
And then it hit me, and I couldn’t stop grinning. I congratulated myself on my own genius when I dropped off a piece of the Berlin wall with our Iranian friend. I wanted to see your face when you got it, but I had been waiting at the DI for half an hour, and people were starting to stare. Silly perhaps that our acquaintance meant to much to me after only a few days’ conversation, but my heart was healing in ways I never thought it could, and that was a worthy trade-off. One in my favor, if I may so boldly claim, as I get to feel hope for love again, and you just get a rock.
I was feeling light with joy, sprightly and cheerful, and when my phone rang, I knew it was you. What I didn’t know is that you would invite another massive learning experience with what you were about to declare: that your feelings for me were stronger than you had previously communicated.
Oh man… now what?
(To be continued…)
© 2010
