10/20/10
Heya Gabriel,
I’ve just gotten off the phone with you and my mind is troubled.
Here is the problem with being so blasted smart: you get to see how things could be in a perfect world.
Here is the problem with being mortal: you get to disappoint yourself by not being perfect.
The simple fact is, while I am so very happy (and I have had some experience with the fake happiness – trust me, this is real, or I wouldn’t be so productive in my spare time. I mean, I even did HOMEWORK tonight!), I am also scared out of my mind. I wonder if part of it is the fact that after having been in a relationship that lasted so long, I can see what lies ahead for two people who choose to be exclusive. I see in my mind’s eye the potential achievements and the struggles, the pitfalls and the victories… this would normally be a good thing, right?
Except that I can’t think of you in any other way as possible potential husband to me and father to my kids.
There it is; I’ve said it.
Having known firsthand what marriage is, my mind automatically puts you there as a possibility, and that is seriously frightening to me. What if you haven’t even thought about it? What if you just go about your business and enjoy my company and think nothing more of what you and I are progressing towards? Or, what if the possibility frightens you so much you run? Or I run? I have gotten relaxed enough (and am so easily relaxed around you) that I don’t have a time-frame on this possibility of you being the man I (and my dear sweet children) end up settling with, but I can’t deny that it has crossed my mind. I am pretty okay with the idea of taking things slow, though they seem (for me, like I said on the phone) to be fast – but somehow not alarmingly so. Usually fast means reckless, but this feels like I’ve just finally fallen into step with my life. I keep thinking that I SHOULD be alarmed – but I’m not. Only when I start thinking too much do things get a bit muddled.
I remember telling you that I can’t afford to mess around, and I still feel that way. If you don’t view the girls you date exclusively as potential mates, then perhaps we should stop dating all together for a time. What I mean is, I can’t NOT consider the possibility, and since I do, I will only feel safe if the man I’m with is considering it, too. Notice I’m not saying planning it. No, not planning it… but at least CONSIDERING it. As you are a private person and haven’t let me in on your fears or reservations concerning us, I sort of feel like I’m the only one, and the imbalance has me nervous. I do believe you HAVE fears, but I don’t know what they are.
The idealist in me instructs me to let you know that you’re not to worry – that whatever you decide to do in life, I am perfectly fine with, because we are all free to choose for ourselves how we live. Period. This is freedom, right?
The human in me says that I’m scared to death that your choices won’t include me in them. So, does the ideal equal freedom and the humanity equal bondage? Or is this just simple imperfect mortality?
I mean, maybe you’re with me for a time, but then… who knows? And I guess, to be perfectly blunt, a bit of baggage is coming to the surface here. Stan never told me he was thinking about leaving me until he had made up his mind absolutely. And by then it was too late. No amount of reasoning could change his mind. I did have that nagging in the back of my mind that he would eventually leave, but I am not the sort of person to just go solely on intuition, and even then, what could I have done but just wait for him to go? I prefer to know beforehand what the other person is thinking if something with such a far-reaching impact is going through their minds. I don’t believe I can change that about myself, and I’m not exactly sure I SHOULD, anyway.
I am afraid that you will tell yourself (as you did with Julia) that you will give it another shot (a hundred shots, even) if things aren’t going well, and I will be none the wiser until it’s too late. Your problem? No, not your problem, but no one is without baggage here and there. Humanity strikes again.
And, I also believe that I should balance this fear out with the recognition that I feel completely appreciated by you (in the present), adored, protected (as I wrote in my last email), and that I’m not questioning the sincerity of your affection. Indeed not, you look sincere enough, and while I can’t be absolutely sure of how you feel (who can, unless they’re the ones with the feelings?), it feels better just to believe you when you say you love my company and that I make you happy. Please understand, I’m not discounting that.
Still, the fears remain. Not every day, but they come up from time to time, I guess to remind me that they’re still there. I have learned through experience that when feelings are honored as legitimate and okay to have, they can be resolved much faster than if they are just denied or repressed as “not okay” or not “appropriate” (haha, I hope that made you laugh).
No, I guess I’ve got to list this fear of being broadsided as legit, though you have little to do with it, and give you the option of staying with me while I work though it myself (and giving me a gentle nudge in the appropriate(har har) direction if it appears that I’m wanting you to do something about it) or stepping back and doing your own thing while I get acquainted again with my emotions. Sure would be nice to be without baggage, but I do believe that is humanly impossible.
I guess it comes down to one question: Do you accept me in spite of my baggage? I won’t be happy every day. That would be, again, humanly impossible. So, is the flawed and imperfect Violet still wanted?
At the end of the day, I can (now) honestly say that I want myself. I mean, I am at peace with who I am in a general sense. There is always room for improvement, but I have come a huge way even in the past year.
But, if I were to have it my way, I would have you by my side to show me the structures on the moon and the wonders of the nearby planets. I would have you soften my decisively rigid intellectual exterior with your gentle instincts. I would have you teach me not to be afraid to feel.
In short, I am after that miracle.
Thanks for listening,
Violet
