The Beginning | Facts About Myself | Don't Mess With An English Major | The Bake SaleThe Favor | The Rescue | The Brothel | The Number | The Wrist, Part One | The Wrist, Part TwoThe Sighting | The Question | The Concern | The Explanation | The Star Wars Debate The Phone Call | The Holiday Thursday | The Rain Check | The First Freak Out | The TwistThe Second Freak Out | The Clarification | The Confusion | The Awkward ConversationThe Accident | The Show, Part One | The Show, Part Two | The Birthday Dinner | The MoveThe Other Guy | The Final Freak Out | The Reflections | The Friday Night Date The Monthaversary | The Beginning (as explained by Office Boy)
The Twist (as explained by Office Boy) | The Second Freak Out (as explained by Office Boy)
The Clarification (as explained by Office Boy) | The Second Freak Out (from the outside)
The Confusion (as explained by Office Boy) | The Pancake Mix Fiasco
I had finally had enough. The back and forth, up and down, side to side. I couldn't handle it anymore. We had to talk, and I had a feeling it wasn't going to be pretty. (I understand how she feels. An answer is better than the possibility of hope.) Images danced in my head of freak outs and angry shouts. Of surprising declarations of love. Of chick flick-esque moments that every girl dreams of having after years of watching romantic comedies. (I try to give you those moments now...but you're right. I should try harder.)
I had timed it carefully. A casual suggestion to get together on Friday after work, as I wanted to talk to him about something.. Since I wanted the conversation to be in person and not over the phone or text, Friday night was optimal. I wasn't working on Friday, so I didn't have to worry about him constantly stopping by my desk and trying to have the conversation in the middle of the office. (I WOULD! I hate having things just hanging over my head. I never procrastinated as a kid. If I could complete an assignment, I would. I remember writing multi-page papers in high school on Friday nights just so I wouldn't have to worry about it in the future. Ohhh...that makes me sad now. :( )
As the day neared a close, I kept an eye on the time. I caught him right as he was heading out.
"Hey, quick question," I said, stopping him in the hallway."What's up?""Are you doing anything after work tomorrow?""Other than going to the gym, probably not." (LIES!!!! I say "probally" 'specially to Sarah.) <editor's note> That he does. And I'm convinced that half the time it's just because he knows it bothers me.)"Do you want to hang out? I have something I want to talk to you about.""Well, why don't we talk about it right now." (TWIST!) Right now? "Let's take a walk." (I remember this vividly. I was waiting for my friend to pick me up from work (sometimes we carpool to save gas and alleviate boredom). This was a pivotal moment. If you all recall, you know that I claim that I don't know what my brain is doing. This is true. I'm not entirely sure what my brain is doing right now (I'm breathing, and thinking, and sleepy—the jerk does a lot). Back on point: before this moment, I could have convinced myself that Sarah wasn't interested. I believe in my heart of hearts she was, but until she mentioned something, I could have just written it off. This is what changed everything. Light was finally shown... shined? ...shown? <editor's note>Well, "shown" is not the past tense of "shine." "Shone" is. And I believe it would be "The light finally shined."</editor's note> I was made aware of the fact that my actions were affecting Sarah in a romantic capacity.
So we took a walk.
We headed down the hall and outside of the building, as I took time to gather my thoughts. Once we were clear of any prying ears, he turned to me.
"So what's up?""I'm trying to figure out how to say this.""What did I do? Did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble?" (I was, at one point, a little boy. Little boys are always in trouble. This was my "go-to" response.)"No, you're not in trouble.""Are you sure?""Yes, I'm sure.""So what is it?""I just...you remember that conversation we had last week? Where you said you hadn't ever really considered dating me because we work together and I told you that calling all the time and texting and stuff made me think otherwise?" (LIES! Ok, readers. I did. I considered a ton of things, but I ignored it because of circumstances. Even through my "ignoring," my actions would suggest that my motives were quite different.)"Yeah.""Well, I guess...I just, I need you to back off. (This is what changed me. I didn't want to stop being sweet to her. I wanted to be wonderful to her. That's kind of when I knew: 'I like this girl.' If someone tells you to stop chewing your gum so loudly, you do. Who gives an eff about gum UNLESS you love gum? It's your favorite thing. How dare someone tell you how to enjoy your pliable candy delight?! Same with me and my feelings for the lovely Miss Hayes.)Like I said last week, if you don't want to date me, that's fine. But you still act like you do. I've been in this type of situation before. I always end up being the girl that guys love to hang out with all the time and pour their heart out to and I end up falling for them and getting my heart broken. It's happened too many times before and I'm not willing to let it happen again.""Okay..." (This is where my unconscious 'driver' was like: OH SNAP, WE'RE FOUND OUT!)"I still want to hang out with you and I do enjoy talking and texting and stuff, but with how much it happens and stuff...I'm in serious danger of falling for you and I won't put myself through that situation again. I have other guy friends I could do this with and I'd be fine, but I can't with you. If you weren't so sweet or funny or attractive, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard, but it is.""Aww...do you have a crush on me?" (I'm an ass for saying this in such a condescending tone. But it was my oblivious nature (at the time).)"No. But I could if things continue the way they are. And since you made it clear last week that you don't want to date me, (Not entirely true...) I'm going to stop this now before I get myself hurt again." (Side note: Isn't Sarah super smart? What other girl would have thought these thoughts, and SAID THEM?! You'd be surprised how many people think I'm Professor Xavier when it comes to their emotions. I can't tell if it's raining unless I see it. Why would I be able to know without being told your intangible dreams and motivations?)"But I like hanging out with you and talking to you and stuff." (I've upgraded to "love hanging out with Sarah.")"I know. I do, too. And I'm not saying it has to stop. I just need you to tone it down." (I literally wasn't sure how to do that.)
By this time, we had arrived up at the visitor's parking lot where his neighbor was waiting to pick him up.
"If you want to talk about it more later, give me a call," I said. He got in the car, we waved goodbye and he drove off. (I had a whole conversation with my neighbor about this in the car. I denied my feelings for the beautiful, wonderful, caring, and amazing Miss Hayes. But this isn't my blog, so I don't have to tell that story...) <editor's note> I want to hear that story! </editor's note> I walked back to the office and sighed. That's not how I wanted to have the conversation. That's not how I wanted it to go. But then again, when does anything ever go according to plan?
As I drove home a bit later, my phone buzzed with a message from Office Boy.
Text me when you're able to talk.
I sighed. Why does this have to be so complicated? (It's not complicated. I was figuring this out. Remember: my brain has kept me in the dark for this long.) I continued my drive home and thought about exactly how to say what I wanted to say and get my point across. I had dinner with my family and tried not to overanalyze the situation too much and then finally, when there was nothing else I could really do to put off the conversation, sent him a text message.
Ready when you are.
A little while later, my phone rang.
"Hey," I said as I answered."Hi," he said."So...what about this doesn't make sense to you?""None of it, really." (Not really lies, but I was pretty understanding of the situation. I just wanted to learn more about Sarah's feelings. I know this because I was starting to drive the "Office Boy Train." Meaning that my boy-brain was finally letting me in on my own emotions. We're so complex, and yet...not...)"Ok. Well, like I said earlier, it's not that I don't like talking to you or hanging out or anything like that. If anything, I like it too much. You should take this as a compliment.""The fact that you don't want to talk to me and hang out with me as much is a compliment?""Well, not really. But the reason why I don't want to talk to you and hang out with you as much is a compliment. If you weren't so sweet and funny and attractive and such, it wouldn't be an issue. (In all honesty, I don't consider myself attractive. I believe this is a characteristic of all guys. If we thought we were attractive, would we all be, in some way, gay? Not making a statement, but I think that's why I have no concept of what makes a male attractive outside of what women say.) <editor's note>This is ridiculous, because he really is absurdly attractive. Especially in a suit. Boy looks really good in a suit. Anyway...I know you haven't seen pictures so you don't know what he looks like, but take my word for it. He's quite attractive.</editor's note> But it's really hard for a girl to keep her emotions in check when a guy like you is telling her that talking to her makes him happy and that he likes calling her and hanging out with her. (These are ALL true statements.) And when he is calling all the time and texting all the time and wanting to hang out constantly. As I said, I'm in serious danger of falling for you but I cannot let myself hurt again. I won't let it happen." (I wanted her to fall for me, so she could tell me, and I could suddenly have the light bulb come on in my brain and say "ME TOO!! I JUST NEVER KNEW BECAUSE MY BRAIN WAS FLYING SOLO...BECAUSE IT'S CRAZY!)"But why do you think I'm so sweet and stuff?" (Hindsight is 20/20. This was a stupid question.)"Because you are! It's not normal for guys to say the kinds of things you say unless they like a girl.""It isn't?""No!" By this point I was getting frustrated. You should be. My brain was letting me in on the plan, but not quick enough. You ladies are far more advanced with emotions than we are. We're good at lifting things and building stuff (not to say that you aren't), but introspection doesn't fall into a category of manual labor.) How could he not see that those things came across as a desire to be more than friends?"Oh.""It seems like you like me, and I'm not the only one who's noticed. People around the office have their suspicions, too.""But I still don't understand why you think I'm so sweet. (Deflection is the only thing that I can think of to explain this.) Those things are just normal. I do like talking to you and calling you and hanging out with you.""And that's fine. But your sweetness puts me in danger of falling for you and I'm not willing to put myself through this situation again.""Can't you just not?" (Legitimate, although very selfish, question.)"Not what?""Fall for me.""No. I can't. I can't just turn off my feelings. I can't separate things into boxes like you can. That's not how I function. Trust me...if I could turn off my emotions, I would." (It's true. Fun fact: Sarah also doesn't like to tell me what she's feeling. I have to dig. I have to frackin' Indiana Jones my way through her walls of "I'm fine" before she tells me what's bothering her. Devil's Advocate: She's never out of line when she's upset. It's just me being oblivious to how what I do affects her. The moral is that she truly can't shut her emotions off.)"I won't break your heart. I promise.""You can't promise that.""But I won't.""You can't promise that. You can promise that you'll try your best not to, but you can't promise that you won't. The Boy Who Smashed My Heart said he wouldn't hurt me like The Boy Who Broke My Heart did. And he didn't. But he hurt me far, far worse. So you can't promise that you won't break my heart, because you don't know. You can try not to, but that's not something you can promise." (She "Mr. Miagi-ed me." Damn her logic.)"I'll do my best not to. And I'll do whatever you need me to do, even though I don't understand." (Still true. I'm an idiot.)"I just need you to back off. It doesn't mean you can't text or call, just not all the time. I need some space to separate myself from this.""Okay.""Well, I need to get going. I'll talk to you later.""Okay. Bye.""Bye."
I hung up the phone and sighed. I could feel the tears coming, hot and fast. I swallowed hard and forced myself to push them back, wiping away the few stray ones that escaped. (Sarah may have cried, but I was definitely shaken by this conversation as well. I may not have cried, but my whole mood shifted after this. I didn't want to do anything after we talked but sleep. Not sure what that means, but I have an X-Box and a big screen TV, which makes that X-Box that much more fun, and I didn't even want to play it...)
Just once. Just once, I thought, I'd like to have a relationship without all this drama.
----------Check back Tuesday to read the next post in The Saga of Office Boy!
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