The Year of Finishing What You Started, Starting in the Shittiest Way Possible.

Hello again, dear journal. I'm writing to you at the moment from the depths of a fairly low point. Since I last wrote, I've been having a bit of a rough time, on a couple of fronts. I'm writing because I need to get a few things off my chest, and I'm going to be fairly candid, so it could get pretty long. I'm frustrated and a bit off kilter at the moment, swinging between feeling a fairly sharp misery, and feeling like I'm going to be alright in the long run. I've had a few patches lately where I haven't really felt anything at all - it's those I'm worried the most about. Let me get into the nuts and bolts of it.
The relationship that I was in is now no more - as of yesterday morning, it's gone Facebook official, and that means that I've been in receipt of some messages of sympathy. As an aside, I'm struggling with the feeling that these messages are things of empty platitudes that don't really mean a lot. I'm not expecting them to, but I guess when I'm under the hammer emotionally, I don't really feel like making small talk. I am fairly devastated at the way things have gone - it could be said that I was dumped, though I guess there was a grain of mutuality there. I'm not going to go into any gritty details, suffice to say that I don't bear the girl any ill will, I will miss her and need quite a bit of time to recover from this, and that I wish her nothing but the best. I clearly have a few things that I need to sort out, and I can't help feeling to a degree that if I'd managed to improve my situation in the time between my last relationship ending and this one beginning, this one might have lasted a bit longer and not ended on such a shitty note. I'm not a deliberately malicious person unless someones' hurt me, but it seems that I'm capable of some pretty severe insensitivity when it comes to a partners' needs. That's obviously a problem, and I'm seeking help for that through the university. I really hate to say it, but this isn't the first time this sort of problem has come up. I'm also pretty worried that this state will continue and have me exhausted before my second term of university starts in a couple of weeks. That would be very bad. It also brings me to my next point of contention.
I've been of the opinion that I need to network within the library and information industry in order to gain decent employment. I didn't network at all in my undergrad, and even though I know that it wasn't the most practical of degrees career wise, I still feel that if I'd gained a bit more industry knowledge, reached out to a few more people who knew people, then I might have had an easier time of it when they pretty much handed me the bit of paper and booted me out the door (I'm led to believe that's standard practice with Arts students - dime a dozen and all that). I am quite serious about this degree; I'm not a young man any more, and I either need to get started on a career now, or consign myself to languishing on the dole for some fairly large periods of time. That thought fills me with dread; I'm no dole bludger, but nor do I seem particularly employable. The point of all of this is that soon there's going to be a couple of industry gatherings which would have been great for me to attend, but in my current financial situation, I'm not able to afford the entry fees. I'm given to understand there are sponsored places for some attendants, but these cut off a while ago and I was busy attending other matters of import. I can't help feeling a bit sore over the idea that I'm missing out on a great community building exercise, as well as that aforementioned networking that I wanted to get in on. I wonder if I'll be able to get into on these conferences next year, as they'll more than likely be the last time I'll be able to claim a student rate for entry, or one of those hallowed sponsored places. I hope so, because otherwise, I get the feeling that this degree will be a lot like my undergrad was - as before, this would be very bad for me.
Not so long ago, a video game was released that I wanted quite badly; I was a big fan of the first installment of it, and the sequel was talked up to be better in every way. I was keen, and when it was announced, I made a vow to myself that I'd be able to afford that sequel when it was released. This was achievable, and it provided motivation to get employed and improve my financial situation to get to the goal easier. In the time between when the sequel was announced and it being released, my television broke down, and my Xbox died. I haven't yet managed to creche the funds needed to fix either of these. With those two pieces of the puzzle down, it seemed moot to buy the game, and to top it off, I didn't manage to land a job; the game went unbought. That led in part to my applying to university - the point was really driven home that I was nearly unemployable in my current state. In a strange sort of a way, I feel a little bit the same as I did back then - not only am I not able to attend these conventions because of my financial state, but I'm also going through a lot of other things that have put me in what I feel is the opposite state of mind to be able to make a go of it even if I were able to attend. I don't want to talk nicely to people regarding the information industry - I don't want to talk about anything much at the moment. It's been a mission just getting out of bed. I've wanted to sleep a lot, but that way lies madness and ruin. I've wanted to get drunk - same deal there. That's probably the worst thing I could do. I hung a lot on this relationship, and until recently, I never thought I'd be back here. I'm able to recover, I'm sure. I'm not exactly one to wander off with the fairies where that sort of thing is concerned, but the relationship, for the few months it existed, was really, really good - I credit it for getting me through my first term of this degree, despite the many pitfalls you can read about elsewhere in this blog. Now that's gone, and the wound is still fresh. That wound, and its' attendant attitude, isn't the sort of thing I want to take into a large group of people I don't know amongst which a potential employer might be waiting. At the moment, they'd see me and run. I'll get over it, I'm sure.
To that end, it hasn't been all doom and gloom. I can't afford for it to be, and I think I've done a pretty good job of managing my fairly delicate state without much support. I've stayed away from booze - that's probably the best thing I could do right now. I don't think I'll be able to for a while, to be honest - one of the things I've realized is that as I've grown older, I've become a dysfunctional drinker. I've taken to tea with a vengeance, though. I've written more in the last week than I did in the last year - I'd go so far as to say I've been writing as much as I've always wanted to on a daily basis. That's been a soul saving exercise too. I don't know where I'd be without that. I've looked into motivational techniques, and last week I went to counseling. I feel that I'm starting to reconnect with the Real Me again, which is nice. That person isn't this distant, absentminded Whoever-this-is I am now. What I need to do is reconnect in such a way that it's not in a vacuum this time, though - I've been derailed by a bad relationship and living too hard in the (distant) past, and now it's cost me something that I dearly wanted to hold on to. I'm moving the bits and pieces of fitness equipment I've accumulated into my spare room, seeing as that won't be used for anything soon. I hope I can get fitter, as I'm vaguely disgusted with myself physically at the moment, and exercise helps you feel better. I'm getting there slowly, but the pain of loss is going to take a while to heal properly. I also want to thank my friends, who have provided support and distraction as often as they can. They probably won't read this, but I want it known that I haven't been completely bereft of help. I'm glad I have such a great circle of mates who put up with my shit. I know I'm not always the easiest person to get along with, and I certainly bring my fair share of drama to the table. I hope I don't wear any of them out or cross any lines in the less than stable state I'm in at the moment.
I can see me writing a few more of these in the near future - I think with my increased volume of writing, it's become my primary outlet for this sort of thing now. This is going to be a big job, but I'm not going to apologize in advance. You've been warned. I guess in a way this sort of thing is a large enough part of my support network that I feel I can dwell on this sort of shit, at least for a little while.
Peace.