Things Women Say

You know you are in a rut when the love of your life is your sister’s gorgeous dog and your 10 year old niece turns round to you and says “Why don’t you marry the dog?” I explained to her that I am the dog’s uncle and so I cannot marry my niece. If I am the dog’s uncle, does that make me a dog as well? Or a wolf? But I am a Bigfoot!

We have all been in relationships, some short, some longer and we all hear women saying things that as men, we take it literally. “Mistake, big mistake,” as Julia Roberts would have said. Personally I do not understand women and I get a headache while over-thinking what she meant when she utters a single word. I touched on this before in a previous blog, but someone sat me down and pointed me to an email that she had received and said study that! Nine simple rules. Some of these rules were covered by Whoopi in the image. Men take heed. These are things women say:

1. Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Nothing - This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. Run!!!
3. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It! If you try it, your goose is cooked. Make sure that the couch is comfortable for you to sleep on for a while.
4. Whatever - Is a woman’s way of saying F*** YOU!
5. That’s Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Perhaps you should sleep at a friend’s house until she has calmed down. Not mine. Your wife scares me. All I need is for her to take out her wrath on me. I am doomed.
6. Five Minutes - If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to do something you want to do such as watch a game, before helping around the house.
7. Loud Sigh - This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. Remember what the word “Nothing” means. Get out while you are alive.
8. Thanks - A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.  A friend said that this is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’, that will bring on a ‘whatever’.
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it – Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ The woman will probably answer with a “Nothing” and you now know what that means.

Thank you to my friend who pointed this out to me. Of course if I married my sister’s dog I could keep her muzzled. Yeah right. Anyone who has a dog knows that dogs rule the home, until a cat comes along.