Part I can be found here.
1. David Copperfield: Mr. Copperfield believes he’s your BFF and that you’ll do just about anything for him. He walk-runs to the bar on a hot day – all sweaty like, greets you and orders a drink. By the time you turn around to place the drink on the bar and request payment, he is gone – MIA – an astonishing disappearing act. Maybe he’s gone pee? Make a phone call? Who knows? He may not be back for 20 minutes, if at all. But you sure as hell are expected to have his seat saved should he make a sudden reappearance.
2. The Illiterate – The Illiterate is there for a refreshing White Wine Spritzer and a quick snack. She reviews the menu and asks you for suggestions. She displays a series of confused facial expression, then proceeds to have the kitchen craft her own concoction – not on the menu – half of whose ingredients your kitchen doesn’t even carry. A typical request will be something like: free range, organic pheasant salad, with quail eggs, seaweed, and blanched, baby bamboo shoots, drizzled with fat-free Caesar dressing. The actual menu offerings might as well be from a different restaurant as far as she’s concerned.
3. The Freeloader – The Freeloader is kind of like the male version of the Gold-Digger. He needs free shit. Only, The Freeloader goes about it a bit differently. He’ll buy one or two Buds just to get his foot in the door. He’ll patiently scope out a large corporate bar party or an unsuspecting gaggle of girls, and inject himself directly next to them. The Freeloader will wait for you to turn your back, then deftly gorge himself on half-eaten french fries and shrimp cocktail. He can even sometimes score some leftover shots. He’s also been known to sip on someone else’s half-consumed beverage.
4. Todd the Wanderer – Todd has some Unibomber characteristics – an old and creepy man. He portrays himself as an artist and rolls up on solo women far younger than he. He’s got no game whatsoever, is terribly overweight, and like The Photographer, doesn’t drink. The numbers don’t pan out for him but dammit, he keeps trying. When there are no potential victims at your bar, he’ll slowly wander down the street to the next watering hole and play the same game. I’ve often seen Todd walking around at 4am miles from his regular spots. Todd gets around.
5. Joe Bag O’ Doughnuts – Joe loves him some horseshoe pinky rings and is loud as all bejeebers. He breaks out a rubber-band bound wad of cash, drops fifties and hundreds on cue. He’s fat- bellied and has a strangely uniform lobster tan. Joe is a big hair pomade aficiando – meticulously and generously applied to his slicked back white head of hair (or what remains of it). He routinely drops by with his boys and introduces them all as a “friend of mine.” Goose and red bull is his drink of choice.
6. Jorge the Busser – Jorge always starts off the evening quietly. But don’t be fooled. Before long, he’s rip-roaring, floor smashing, shit-balls drunk. He doesn’t know the meaning of “casual drinking.” Jorge is in the industry – working around your corner at the local upscale Tapas joint. Coronas and shots of Patron are what he craves – and he craves a lot of them. As a result, he blows every penny he makes each evening.
7. The Savant - The Savant is a self-made regular – not one that you particularly enjoy seeing either. She’ll routinely recount every minute detail of every conversation you’ve ever had. She’ll obsessively watch you prepare every drink and eavesdrop on every conversation you have with other patrons. Subsequent visits involve her “correcting” your mistakes and filling in gaps of previous conversations. She doesn’t miss a beat (or detail). Get a life please.
8. The Aspiring Illusionist - This asshat is an attention whore – determined to show up the bartender by performing an array of bar tricks for other patrons. Studied much he has… He’ll make an embarassing spectacle of himself by failing at simple bartender staple tricks like (1) Spin the olive in an upside down snifter (2) fill the upside down glass with water by burning a match on a lemon and (3) balance the salt shaker on it’s edge on a bed of crystals. He mistakenly believes that every bar is the ideal setting for demonstrating his dominance at coed Beer Pong. But by far, The Illusionist’s favorite trick is the one which routinely puts patrons to sleep: his repeated failed attempts at tying a cherry stem in a knot.
