"The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself. Because even when you are with others, you are still with yourself, too! When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, laying in bed at night you are with yourself, walking down the street in the sunlight you are with yourself.What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it's your responsibility to be that person you want to be with. I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who's not full of hate, who's able to smile and be carefree. So that's who I have to be."
― C. JoyBell C.
My throat chakra has been blocked most of my life.
But lately, I have cried an awful lot of tears. Feels like 100 years worth right through here. I guess when you've held so much within that it compacts within your soul ... like so much refuse and old socks, and worn trousers tossed in the corner and forgotten, you forget you have a voice. You may forget that you came to conclude early on, that you were dancing as fast as you could, just so you could live.
Why is it so hard to release and let go? Why are we humans built to hang on and grasp-clutch as if for dear life? Even old mindsets, even when they do you no justice, even when your life out-pictures ready evidence of stagnation, even when it hurts, even then...why do we hold on?
"No," my spiritual teacher once said, "you release only a little at a time", in response to my request for her to turn up the heat, so I could get to the other side of my darkness. I knew my life wasn't working as well as it could. I had coasted to a normal that seemed to fit the set of circumstances I had, and the paradigm for thinking that I had modeled it upon.
"I can't give you more." As a healer, she knew the capacity of a being to accept rapid change. Although I had been with her two years, and thought myself victorious in what I had done up until then, (and I was in certain ways), I was startled by her words.
These recent cosmic energies have shown me a different angle of perspective. They have pressed my neck so hard that I have had to view things from a different angle. I've had no choice. Because I've finally had my figurative back pushed up against the wall and told, CHOOSE.
Now I understand what the teacher was saying. No amount of prodding, pushing, urging, however gentle, however forceful, will make a being change or release what they are not willing or prepared to do. When things get harsh enough, when dreams side-swipe you long enough, when you give up somewhere within you and begin to resign yourself to the what-is (as evidenced by material reality, and not vision), you effectively sell yourself out.
Letting go of old conditioning, old patterns, old behaviors, old edicts, old commands, old what-evers is my challenge in this moment. I am face-to-face with myself. I see how I have internalized things from long ago and willingly accepted from outside sources, then chose to tote them along myself, because I didn't know better. And because the people I loved said it, so it must have been true.
"As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is "AUTHENTICITY".
― Charlie Chaplin
That's why we have to become more aware of how we interact with the beings we call our children. They can become so damaged by their environments. They may not have the words, but they always have the knowing, the sentience, first, then later, the analytical interpretation, slotted appropriately somewhere in their psyches, and carried forward during the journey of their lives.
I saw so much turbulence between my parents in the things they said, and did not say to one another. They were just trying to survive the deficits of their own lives, living out the roles doled out to them by the worlds they grew up and lived in, that their inherited beliefs about children (that they should be seen and not heard) did damage to their children (including myself). People do this more than they know, more than they can still understand, even today.
I've spent my whole life, practically, being confused. I learned not to trust my own thoughts. I learned to deny my own desires. I denied my innate knowing. I learned that some ones, always outside myself, had better understanding/direction/know-how/guidance, be it parental units, educational, religious, political institutions. My self(Self) was not to be trusted.
"The perspection of your perception brings about a precision in you as a person"
― Ronnie J. Baroi
God, it's hard getting that back.
And even knowing as I'm knowing, it's hard to let go of the old because it's become so entrenched, and because I've learned not to trust myself. Every step of the way is in question, in almost every minute. That's the kind of angst a sensitive being might walk with. Certainly, this sensitive being.
Despite the words I heard, the ones I didn't, the messages I internalized, and then carried, I finally know (in my being, not just in my head), that I deserve to have love, to be happy, to be prosperous, to feel free.
And I aim to have it all.
I am learning to see, acknowledge, re-frame and re-interpret for the sake of my wholeness, for the sake of my life. Reaching this point of awareness has taken my whole life. And if it take the rest of it moving toward that new understanding that is all mine, I'm okay with it.
Better late, than never.
© 2019. Egyirba High. All Rights Reserved.
Feel free to share this post with others, as long as you include the copyright information and keep the whole posting intact. If you like this piece, please share it with others. You can like me on Facebook to see more of my writing and my personal and spiritual journey.
