In the beginning of our relationship, I was seeing the pastor at our church at least once a week. That was because I was recovering from my jerky X’s backstabbing. One day, three months after I met “D”, I was at one of my scheduled appointments with the pastor. I do not remember why, but on that particular day, I was really happy about “D”. I told my pastor how I was feeling. I told him that “D” is the best, and he is so perfect. I told him he is the best man in the whole world and I went on and on about D’s awesomeness. After a while, I finally came out of D’s magic and looked at the pastor’s face. He had an expression of disapproval. I said, “What’s wrong? You look like, you do not believe me. He is really a good man.” He said, “Okay just wait a minute.” He went to get a pen and paper and drew a graph as seen in the picture below. (I still have that paper. I made this official looking picture for your understanding):
Relationship= How good the relationship? (Higher number= better relationship)
Task= How many times are you getting your way? (Higher number = getting what you want most times).
I know it is a graph and might intimidate some people. Do not worry. It is simple. As you can see from the graph, the higher the X- intercept number, the better the relationship. Higher the Y-intercept number, the more times you are getting things your way. Then he said that he thinks “D” is a teddy bear, and I am a shark. Yep , that is what anyone that see’s us will think. “D” has that look of an innocent , submissive introvert, and I obviously look dominating with a loud mouth.
He then said, “I think that “D” lets you get everything you want because he wants a good relationship. Teddy bears are nice and cuddly short term, but that kind of approach will not be good for long-term. As he will not be able to continue this. What do you think?”
I said, “I agree with you that such an approach would be detrimental long term. No one can live all their life like that. I myself cannot do it for any one. What I disagree is your assessment of D. He looks like a teddy bear, but believe me he is not. He looks like that, but he is a very strong man. He gets what he wants. He would never compromise for anything unless he is totally convinced. Now about me, people think I am dominating, and they are right. I have been in the past. D is different. I knew the day I fell for him that I want to change for him. I sometimes fall back, but most of the times I am successful. I knew we would not have a chance if I continued with my tantrum throwing attitude, so I had to change myself.”
Then pastor said ,”maybe you are right. I do not know him as much as I know you. Let’s see how it goes. Don’t get attached too much. I do not want to see you brokenhearted again. Just be careful. Every relationship has fights. It is not common that we hear something like this.”
Then I said, “okay I will.”
Don’t get my pastor wrong, he is a very good man. At that time he just saw me go through hell and did not want that to happen again. He was there for me during the worst times of my life and was one of my greatest supports. I think he knows “D” better now then what he did two years back. I am not sure if his opinion has changed or not. We have not talked about this for a long time. I would even today stick to all the things I told him that day and still feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever I start talking about “D”. I think the reason our relationship works so well is because I care for him more than he ever expected to be cared for, and he gives me more love and respect than I ever expected to have.
I personally think I fall somewhere between a fox and an owl depending on the situation. I want to work on it and practice being an owl more. I think ”D” is an owl most of the time. Maybe some rare occasions we both might be a teddy or a shark, but I do not think we will ever be a turtle. I think that is how reality works. We cannot always be one animal. We change depending on the situation. After all, that is the basis of a relationship. If one raises the voice, the other should calm down to avoid a conflict. If one is unhappy, then other should listen.
So, my question to you is who are you? Who do you want to be? Comment down below to let me know.
-R.
