It seems like only yesterday that I wrote the first installment of 10 Ways fibromyalgia Has Changed my Life. It is still hard to believe that it’s been another 365 days. 2012 was a year of great challenge and tremendous change and 2013 proved to be equally riveting, reflective, and trans formative. My journey continues every day as I struggle and strive to stay positive, keep mindful, count my blessings, and take one day at a time. I have so much for which grateful and thankful. There’s a simmering and bubbling of positivity, creativity, positivity and goodwill just lies just beneath the surface and I feel ready to trust, accept, and receive. That almost but not quite elusive rainbow that comes at the end of every storm is right here- right now. So here I am again writing, reflecting, meditating, and now posting on the ten positive ways fibromyalgia has changed me over the last 365 days. I needed a few days truly process and mentally compose this message. I hope you find parallels in your life and experience. For better or worse fibromyalgia is life changing. It’s how you respond to the change that matters.
- fibromyalgia has taught me to focus on the positive. As cliché as that reads there is simply no better way to put it. As hard as it feels sometimes to keep myself upbeat and happy, focusing on what I can do, the good things, and the blessings is healthier than focusing on this illness. Negative thoughts and feelings breed resenment, anger, bitterness and sadness. These emotions fuel more pain, more ache, more depression. There’s so much I cannot do that it becomes easy to slip into feelings of despair, hopelessness, and depression. But I try to remember I am not hopeless. I have a hope. I have dreams, desires, and goals that I am reaching. Every little bit helps and the little things add up to big accomplishments.
- fibromyalgia has helped me find the strength in my weakness.I am powerful when I am weak. It has taken me awhile to realize this and live this truth. Every time that I push through the pain and fatigue I reaffirm my resilience and endurance to continue living. Most days it is enough just to lift my head from my pillow. The constant stuggle between my mind and my body is exhausting in itself. But when I push, pull, and force myself to live, put one foot in front of the other I get one up on this invisible opponent. Each accomplishment no matter how small makes the next time that much easier. I did it before I can do it again. I will do it again. I have fibromyalgia, fibromyalgia doesn’t have me.
- fibromyalgia has reminded me to pray constantly.Prayer is essential to my life. Prayer is the reason I’m still here. I know that the will, the energy, the strength I muster up is not from my own abiility or accord. The power of Jehovah and his spirit makes my life possible and praying every day many times a day is how I get through the good, bad, and worst times. I pray for power. I pray when I make it and when I don’t. I pray to give thanks. Pray when I happy, sad and mad. Prayer works.
- fibromyalgia has taught me to live in today.Worrying is stressful. Stress fuels pain. Worrying and stressing about tomorrow or the future, or things that may or may not happen is futile. Taking each moment and living one day at a time helps me maintain peace and equilibrium in my life. There is no sense in worrying about things that I cannot control. It is a waste of precious time and energy- both being in short supply. Instead channeling that energy and thought into what I can do today| changes I can make right now help me keep a clear perspective and not spin out of control. It’s not always perfect and that’s ok.
- fibromyalgia has made me accept my imperfections. What I mean by this is that it is ok to be less than perfect. I am a control freak by nature. I am a perfectionist and I have had to learn that perfection is neither attainable nor the ultimate goal. The goal is doing the best I can with the resources I have at that moment. That means that sometimes some things don’t get accomplished. Sometimes it takes me longer to complete a task than I originally planned. This is ok. There’s always tomorrow or the nextday. Sometimes this means that I have to say no or turn down certain things. It means that I cannot do some things as wellor for as long as I used to do them. I give my personal best. That’s all I have to give. That personal best may look different today than it does tomorrow or how it looked last week. I do the best I can. When I can. With what I have and move on.
- fibromyalgia has forced me to accept help. I cannot do it all. Most times I cannot do it at all. This means that I have to turn to others to help me do things and tasks that I used to do for myself. Early on this was a blow to my pride. I took it personal and allowed myself to wallow in self pity when I could not do it all anymore. That was foolish and not the best course. Now I’ve learned that it is ok to ask for help. It is necessary and not a slight against my self-worth. I can only do so much. I only have so much mentally and physically. This doesn’t mean that I don’t attempt to do more or challenge myself. It means that I do my best and when my best isn’t quite enough I have no choice but to rely on others for the rest.
- fibromyalgia has taught me not to focus on myself. Chronic illness is all consuming. Before you know it- it can swallow you up whole until all you see and all you have is your world. Your hurt. Your pain. This year I have reminded myself often that my situation is not so bad. There are so many others enduring much worse. Those who have much less. Keeping this at the forefront of my mind helps me to appreciate all I do have and all that I can still do. It is not the worst life and I have more reasons to rejoice than to cry out .
- fibromyalgia helped me reach my rainbow.I sunk to unimaginable lows in 2012. The moments of despair, darkness, and depression seemed endless and omnipresent. The storm was strong and for a while I saw no way out. But as the scriptures say weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. That is to say that no pain lasts forever and every storm has a break. I rose above the pain and even though it keeps me down at times I have never dropped out. I’ve fallen down but I have not fallen out. I hold my head high and know I will survive. No tribulation lasts forever and I see, feel, and taste the rainbow that I been reaching out for so long. It’s just within my reach.
- Even though I feel lonely I’m never alone. fibromyalgia has a way of making me feel isolated and alone in my struggle and my pain. I’ve found this to be false as there is are thousands of people on the journey with me. Pain warriors silently fighting and pushing through the invisible pain each and every day. I pray for every single one of them to keep fighting. I know that no matter how alone I feel, how isolating it can become when it feels like no other human truly understands the battle and true struggle of this illness. I am never truly alone. Jehovah God is always there. He hears my prayer. He sees my struggle. Even when others don’t see the effort or understand the mental and emotional battle that rages every single minute of every single day, He will hear my call.
- fibromyalgia has taught me the art of letting go. Letting go is not easy. I think if there was one theme of the past year that would be it. Truly forgiving, forgetting and letting go of negative emotions, mistakes, upsets, friends, enemies, past dreams and desires has truly proved to be one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do. It is a constant practice and struggle but every day I release just a little more. I can’t change the past. I can only look to the future. I cannot change others. I can only change myself and how I respond and react to external stimuli whether they are people, actions, or events in my life. Wasting time wondering how and why when the moment is over is useless. Asking what could of, what should of or what didn’t happen will not erase what did or did not happen. Learn from mistakes let them go and move on. Every action or in action put me here today. Right where I am now and I wouldn’t change any of it.
The poem take a bow that I wrote when I made the decision to return to Rochester basically sums up my year and speaks to where I am today and the hope I have for tomorrow.
close the curtains
shut the door
the show is over
I can take no more
let bygones be bygones
exit stage left
a final bow
there’s nothing left
an era has ended
the moment has come
finale has finished
I’ll watch the reruns
although it’s all over
I have no regrets
you haven’t seen the best of me yet