If I could, I’d go back in time and erase ever meeting you
I loved you with everything I had
When I was broken and torn
When I was lost and tormented by the demons of my past
I somehow managed to love you and give you all of my love,
You told me from the start you would just hurt me, but you didn’t say you’d waste two years of my life before doing so.
And it does my head in, that all I ever wanted was to actually be considered part of your life. Instead of just another one of those stupid girls that fell pray to your ways. All I ever wanted was to be included, considered, given an ounce of respect in public.
Now I see it as clearly as it ever was, I was never yours, and you weren’t even close to being mine. I was just a fucking fool for thinking otherwise.
All because I thought you were capable of change. But change isn’t possible in someone as cold and immovable as a stone stuck in time.
Part of me wants to tell your mom how deeply and irretrievably broken your sense of love is.
Instead I’ll take all the blame like all the women in the history of dating emotionally immature men.
Part of me wants to tell her it runs in the family.
I even bought the rings, because you said you were ready. I planned the whole thing and in the end, it didn’t matter, we didn’t even get that far. One fight and you were done. Forever was a fantasy engraved in silver and tossed in the bin.
I’ll be the hysterical one, the crazy one, the one incapable of rational thought. You’ll be praised for being single and making tough decisions, and putting yourself first. When you fuck around, you’ll be told it’s a good thing, the boys will rally with you, hype you up because god knows, all a man really needs is a good fuck to cure any hangup he has.
After all, it’s easier than owning up to who you are and facing that monster in the mirror. It’s easier to think you’re still a “good person” than acknowledge that good people don’t consistently hurt others, time and time again by doing the same thing.
I’m tired of defending you to everyone around me, when you can’t even be honest with your closest friends. No one knows you, truly, because you can’t even be honest with yourself. I thought you were being honest when you said forever, but it turns out forever is just another lie so easily whispered from your lips.
Here I am, broken and alone. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put myself back together again. I don’t think I honestly believe in love anymore. It’s all a fucking lie and a vulnerability that isn’t real or worth the risk. It’s a temporary insanity. A madness that makes us see the best in the worst of people, and hope against all odds, they aren’t lying. Turns out, some people can turn their love on and off like a tap. When it suits them, the taps on, but when it’s time for them to move on to the next fool capable of believing they “want to change”, the tap is suddenly pouring with affection and love.
I just hope one day, someone comes to your self built impenetrable fortress and smashes it to the ground. I hope they destroy your heart and your happiness in the process. It’s what you deserve after all the women you have fucked over and fooled into loving you only to be burned. Part of me wonders if you get a sick pleasure out of it all, seeing women cry, breaking their hearts. Does it make you feel powerful? Strong like a man? Is that what this is? Or do you need them to beg for you too?
Now that tap is firmly turned off, I realize none of the happiness and joy I ever felt with you is worth the amount of tears you’ve caused me to cry.
If I could go back to two years ago, I’d never set eyes on you. Because mine are tired of constantly crying because of you.
