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Cookies make the world go ’round
It happened. The holidays ended. Damn it. I’m super bummed that inhaling sweets and mainlining whipped creamed pumpkin pie came to a grinding halt.
I ate my way across Ontario. I should have jogged back home. I didn’t. I’d rather eat a bucket of dirt than jog.
I’d need to nap. The good news is that the sugar high followed by a low made for perfect holiday napping. The bad news is that the napping and mainlining of sweets gave me a buddha belly.
I felt like a beanie bag with arms.
Like a weeble wobble.
“Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down”
Bullshit.
I fell down. On the sofa. Non-stop. I ate cookies there too.
Then it hit me.
I had to put an end to the nonsense. It was like the mac truck my body just put on the brakes with the sports car riding up the rear tooting its annoying horn to get the hell outta the way. My muffin top was screaming profanities at me.
It told me that my next New Years resolution should be to buy a fork instead of a shovel.
Why can’t Spinach be tempting too ??
A fair New Years resolution, don’t you think? As a matter of fact, I might be able to keep that resolution for the first time in the history of ever.
Needless to say, it happened. January arrived. Bastard January.
Cleanse and Detox time :
Pffffffft.
My fave faucet in the whole wide world.
Cleanses can be a bit of a shenanigans. Sometimes I like them. Usually I hate them.
Some cleanses make me feel hungry. My head does a 360 degree exorcist spin and I spew angry words to innocent bystanders.
Not this time.
Dr. Oz is my new bestie in the cleanse world. His cleanse didn’t give me the urge to punch people in the head out of hunger. I didn’t really feel hungry, but I was jonesin for something to chew or crunch. Anything. I would have chewed a frog.
I am quite certain that if anyone came near me with a bag of chips I would have wrestled them to the ground and shoved their face in the snow. It would have been a football tackle, fooshure… just for the lick of a potato chip.
The cleanse had it’s ups and downs.
It is entirely smoothie ridden.
Every meal = A smoothie
That can be lovely and categorically horrific all at once. Is this what life will be like when we are 90 and don’t have teeth? Life through a straw? Oh My.
So what did I do?
I cheated. Shut up.
Rather than blend all of the ingredients all of the time, I set them aside {just once in a while} and ate them instead. Crunch problem solved. I know. I’m smart like that.
Celery topped avocado & cukes
I even warmed it & made soup
Cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
I also cheated on a couple of other things. I cheated in Grade 3 math and I cheated the lunch smoothie. The lunch smoothie was green sludge thick. It tasted worse than bad. Negative good.
It will cause you to make a face that slightly resembles this –> OMFG?&*^!!!
Help is on the way
Tips and Tricks in the Dr. Oz Cleanse :
1. If you have a juicer, juice all of the ingredients instead. It tastes great. Add some ginger for some punch. I’ve been using the Omega Juicer for about a year and now I’m a smitten kitten. I could lick that machine. LOVE. LoVE. LOvE.
If you click on the link here to buy an Omega Juicer you can save a bucket load of money and buy it for $259 with free shipping.
Touch faucet oh la la & Omega Juicer !!
A dealio! That’s about a zillion dollars less than I paid. I earn a small commission if you click on the links too. Not enough to buy a pony, but maybe enough to grab a fresh pineapple. Either way, I’d be über grateful if you did. I would never ever, Taylor Swift ever.. write about a product that I didn’t absolutely adore.
The Omega Juicer will rock your world.
2. Do not add the coconut oil into your smoothie. Inhale the coconut oil, straight up ~on a spoon. Fast gulp. You can do it. Done. If you add it in your smoothie or juice, it make it waxy-like also known as icky-like. It also floats to the top like little styrofoam balls of grossness. Blah. Don’t go there. It’s gross.
Never have I ever. Oh yes I did.
3. The cleanse will help curb your sweet tooth. You’ll find that once you start to eat healthy, you crave healthy. I know, no one is more shocked by this fact than I am. Blow my skinny ass over with a feather.
4. The cleanse states that you can use a regular blender. I didn’t. I’ve been having a love affair using the blendtec blender for a few months now. Uhhm, PS. it makes healthy ice cream. I know. Oxymoron. Gospel truth. The Popeye ice cream t’die for. I thought Popeye cigarettes were good when I was a kid. The Popeye ice cream will give you a brain freeze and make you happy all at once. The best part of this blender is that you can just throw chunks of everything in there and *bamn* it’s an insta-juice or smoothie. I wish I could teach it how to drive my car. I could get used to this.
Blendtec Blender Awesomeness
5. ICE is the secret sauce. When the smoothie is super cold, it is super delish. That may have been a slight exaggeration. It tasted better. There. You can add the ice in the blender to make the smoothie thick, or add it after to keep it light and chilly with floaty ice cubes. I’m a floaty ice gal. That way, the thick smoothie doesn’t land on your face when you drink it.
6. Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate. In the words of Dr. Oz … because you know he likes to talk about poop* …
“The solution to pollution is dilution”
* I would like to apologize right now for talking about poop on the blog.
7. Drink your dinner smoothie at 7-8 pm to curb the night-time munchies.
8. Desperate? Drink herbal tea at night to settle yourself down. I spiked mine with a splash of maple syrup. Shhhhh.
How to Prepare for the Cleanse
Dr. Oz advises starting to change your diet and cut out sugars, caffeine etc weeks in advance. What the what what? Who does that ? I have some advice too. Dr. Oz, please wear your scrubs again on the tele. Scrubs are hawt.
People who do that kind of preparation weeks in advance, probably do a color patch test on their hair. I always do that when I dye my hair. I never do that when I dye my hair.
I bet they read the fine print in manuals too. Do you read fine print? Oh my gawd. Who are you?
Ready to get this detox cleansing paaartey started?
Here’s the down and dirty details : printable PDF of the cleanse.
Want to watch the whole shebang on video? You lazy sod. Okay, I did that too.
Part one : Dr. Oz’s 3-Day Detox Cleanse
Part two : Dr. Oz’s 3-Day Cleanse bath and weight loss
Let’s chitty chatty about bath time !
Does the idea of a hot lavender-scented bath make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Just me? Okay. Fine.
The bath was my favorite part . Maybe I am just accustomed to being in hot water.
10 drops of lavender
2 1/2 cups of epsom salt
Soak for 30 minutes
I read reviews where some peeps skipped the bath part because they didn’t have time. Whaaaa? Your life is too busy for a bath? Okay. Stand still. I’m slapping you.
Results of the Cleanse :
1. Weight loss. I lost 5 lbs. Although I’m not an advocate of rapid weight loss, I am an advocate of jump starting a system to healthiness again. This cleanse resets your health button.
2. Fast lips. Your added energy will add a little hop in your step and speed to your lips. You’ll think clearer. You may possibly become a motor mouth. Your lips will definitely move faster.
3. Energy. Although I had a lot of energy most of the time during the cleanse, I didn’t have it all the time. By the middle of day two, I definitely needed a nap. It’s a perfect opportunity to rest and read the book that is staring at you from the nightstand making you feel all guilty for ignoring it all this time.
4. Spending money. Dr. Oz says it’s $16 a day for the cleanse. Uhhhm. No. Maybe if you live on a banana plantation overlooking a field of vitamins.
I begged Michael to do the grocery shopping for the cleanse because it’s efffing cold winter.
Stepping outside in winter goes against my strict winter hibernation policy.
A Canadian Snow Drift !!!
Even the OUTDOOR dog came INDOORS
Ohhh that adorable face
Judging by Michael’s curved eyebrow and stink eye, after returning from the grocery store … I’m guessing that the grocery bill was pricey. Michael typically reserves the stink eye for special moments like that.
5. Bloating. I looked like I was having a baby at the end of day one of the cleanse. I considered telling Michael that I was having Brad Pitt’s baby. He knows how fond I am of Brad. By day two, the belly was gone. Brad and I are very happy parents.
6. Note to self : Writing about a cleanse, while doing a cleanse was not a piece of cake. Mmmm. Cake? Shut your face Betty Crocker.
Do you think you can do it? Got questions? Quiz me in the comments. I might not know all the answers, but that’s okay. I’ll just cheat and make them up.
Now it’s your turn. Cleansify. I’ll hold your hand and entertain you ’cause I love you like that.
Let the entertainment begin …
What I do when I’m not here :
1. Nap.
Yes, I nap with an iPad. Don’t judge.
2. Goof around on the Blender Babes website. The Blender Babes wear bikini’s and share epic blender tips and recipes. I adore the site, even though I haven’t worn a bikini like that since 1922. I’m totally inspired to continue making green smoothies. I make one green smoothie a day now, to maintain some healthiness. Or maybe a frozen margarita. Same thing. It’s green.
3. Instagram. I created most of the photos for this blog post in instagram and I may need a twelve step program to quit this addiction. One word about instagram. AMAZEBALLS. Do it. Come follow me and join the addiction.
Do my candles look like boobs? LOL
Want to know more about instagram and my all time fave photo apps? Get the FREE 50 page downloadable book here. It will knock your socks off and inspire you to create epic photos, the easy way. I know you like easy, you floozy.
GOOGLE PLUS
I’m new to Google Plus? Are you? Let’s do this together. You can find me here
Come circle me up and let’s get googlie woogling.
3. Watch for me today !!!! I will be on a live Adventures In Visibility Google Plus Hangout with my sister in law and online visibility expert~ Denise Wakeman. It’s my first google hangout. Please tell me if I have spinach in my teeth.
What’s the hangout about? I’m doling out my insider secrets on how to be a kickass blogger.
No worries if you miss the live hangout today, you can watch it later on YouTube.
Much Love to You !
Sources and links that help me pay for my liquorice habits : Blendtec Blender, Omega Juicer and Delta Trinsic faucet