Here it is:
8-18-14, 8 pm
I am watching 300. I had refused, and then I decided you, my readers, might enjoy my reactions to it.
Startin' off right.
I am only a tad bit tipsy, as I have had a beer and a half, but I have a feeling as the movie progresses I will find myself desiring further intoxication. I will keep you posted.
All right. Firing it up. Here goes nothing.
1:05 I am literally a minute in and there is already a pile of skulls.
2:49 That 12 year old is doing a great job playing an angry, violent 7 year old.
2:57 I really hope I’m supposed to find this kid creepy as hell.
4:02 That’s a super realistic CG glowy wolf-monster you’re fighting there, sonny.
5:50 For a Spartan, every actor playing Leonidas looks an awful lot like this white kid I went to school with. I’m just saying. Not exactly Greek-looking actors here.
Photo courtesy of andrew-wittman.com
5:57 I ADORE THE LEATHER BIKINIS, OMG. And with capes! A whole crowd of well-oiled, well-muscled men in leather underwear...where’s the dance music and the cocktails? Are you telling me this ISN’T a gay dance club?
7:08 OH GOD HERE COME THE A-RABS. WE’RE IN TROUBLE NOW.
7:53 Oh, yep, bag full of skulls and all.
8:27 Oh HELL yes, Irish-Scottish actor Gerard Butler is the most Greek-like choice I can think of. (Could they have picked a whiter manly man? I guess I should be thankful he’s at least a brunette). “He’ll do, just throw some guyliner on him. Everyone will be too distracted by the leather underwear to notice anyhow.”
9:35 Gratuitous cleavage. Shockingly little so far in proportion to manly eye-candy...especially since this movie was obviously made for men.
10:20 Oh yes. Wise King Leonidas immediately doesn’t trust the black dude.
11:04 I take it back about the cleavage. Gerard Butler’s got the boobs covered.
11:29 The wind...it blows ominously as I survey my people, whom I’ve sworn to protect and who are now threatened by someone other than the person currently warning me. I’m having a surge of testosterone. Suddenly I feel as if...as if...must...kill...black...guy....
12:48 THIS. IS. SPARTA! *dramatic kick* *black guy is shoved to his death*
Yeah, it’s time for another drink.
I felt that rum out of a fancy glass was the only way to do it. I couldn’t possibly bring myself to drink anything shitty enough to actually match the movie, so I had to go dramatically, inappropriately fancy instead.
Okay, back to the movie.
13:09 Meh, let’s actually kill ALL the Persian messengers. They’re not really people anyway. See, they even all cover their faces except for the one black guy.
14:34 OH, the guy with the orc-face in the hood is supposed to look like that because he’s inbred. “Inbred swine” to be precise. Protip, 300 Makeup Artists--inbreeding has never been known to give anyone pimply styrofoam skin.
15:07 I was about to complain at how badly Gerard is hiding his Scottish accent, but then I realized they’re all doing somewhat British-y accents anyway. Like...why? Why British?
17:49 Why is a half naked woman dancing around in ribbons/smoke?
Implied orc-rape
18:24 EW was the the reference to orc-rape really fucking necessary?
19:45 Second black man in movie is evil to point of promising priests to deliver daily rape victims to them in exchange for war cooperation, then LAUGHING MANIACALLY as the scene darkens and all you can see are the whites of his eyes.
This movie is fucking racist as FUCK and I’m only 20 minutes in.
There's an awful lot of moon in that picture.
19:48 Hello, Gerard’s ass.
20:25 So in this scene, Gerard is completely naked while his wife is fully covered by the blanket. Couple things.
1. For the men watching this scene and feeling weird about it, welcome to what it’s like being a woman and watching movies all the fucking time.
2. ...Who is this movie even for??? Most of the people I know who enjoyed it are (claim to be) straight men. So...why all the male nudity? Is this as simple as men fantasizing about how sexy and tough (and white and straight) they want to be, like boys?
22:32 I’ve never seen a more dramatic, romantic sex scene. Not even in a chick flick. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE.
22:48 OMG it’s Faramir! From LOTR!
God I’m a nerd.
24:43 “These 300 men are my personal bodyguard.” I’m just confused as to why Leonidas would recruit 300 British men when he presumably had 300 perfectly suitable Spartans available. Although I’ve yet to see a single native Spartan in this movie so perhaps there was a shortage. (Read: zero Greeks or even dark-skinned white people are playing good guys, and that’s pretty fucking racist).
26:37 “He doesn’t say goodbye to his wife, because there’s no room in Sparta for weakness. Love is weakness, is what I’m saying. Fuck all the gentler things and the things of womankind because those are weak and will fail.” This mentality is what happens when men rule the world.
28:21 This other group of soldiers (Arcadians, they're okay but they're not as manly as Sparta) is dressed even more stereotypically gay. I swear some of them bought their leather harnesses at an S & M shop. Like...I’ve seen the same ones on mannequins at Spartacus Leathers in Portland (OMG LIKE SPARTA...IT’S ALL COMING TOGETHER GUYS).
32:32 Is that...is that Michael Fassbender? Oh, I’m disappointed. He’s way, WAY too good for this movie.
33:14 Oh yes, I’m sure the Persians artistically nailed people to trees when they overtook their villages. Why even bother calling them Persians, why not go straight to “evil dark-skinned devil people” like they clearly want to?
37:48 Yup, Fassbender is too good for this movie.
39:10 Black man #3 also evil.
41:45 Ephialtes is nothing like any human has ever looked like in the history of humanity. Basically they’ve gone ahead and said “fuck it, let’s take a guy with birth defects and just turn him into a literal monster.”
So, fuck black people, brown people and disabled people. Got it.
44:02 “Sorry, I appreciate the offer and you can totally help with the wounded and stuff, but I’m afraid you don’t have the necessary abilities to be part of the battle itself.” *Ephialtes grunts like animal, throws shield, freaks out and obviously turns evil within a moment.* Hm. Normally-abled man is reasonable, differently-abled man is emotional, childlike and animalistic and has a self-professed lifetime of Spartan ideals and morals crushed and reversed in an instant. That’s...profoundly offensive. He’s a hideous monster, so obviously he’s in possession of incredibly doubtful morals and entirely lacking in loyalty. That’s what all persons with any kind of disability are like.
Persians--faceless creatures, and all the same. Might as well be zombies. Just kill 'em all.
45:12 480 B.C. was a long time ago. I’m not so sure these Persians' costumes are really a historically astute choice. They seem awfully Taliban-y, if you see what I’m getting at.
But then I suppose historical accuracy seems to be a thing that was generally forgotten during the making of this movie anyway (and replaced by blatant, terrifying racism).
48:55 So much slo-mo, and SO MUCH BLOOD. People’s blood simply does not spray out of them like that.
51:40 I think they used a filter that only allows sepia, black and bright red through, because those are the only colors in this movie.
55:38 I KNEW IT. The ONE kinda dark Spartan guy, Theron, is secretly evil. Know how I knew? HE’S BROWNER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.
57:40 I’m pretty sure even Persian kings didn’t dress like that (or ride on giant chariots with people for wheels and steps). Besides, that guy is definitely not Persian. I don’t think he’s even Middle Eastern. I’m looking it up.
...nope, he’s Brazilian. Whatever, all brown people are the same, right?
57:58 OMG he’s even got a distinctive Brazilian accent. WTF.
The perfect cat-eye makeup.
59:10 Oh great. Throw "the gays" into that mix too, because this movie is obviously homophobic (despite all the leather and naked men). Xerxes is clearly scary because he’s gay (it’s definitely implied--he’s even got the perfect cat eye down), which means he’s creepy and rapey because of course it does.
62:65 Um...is that an ogre on a chain? WTF IS THIS MOVIE
63:36 Interesting that most of the Persian soldiers wear face coverings or masks so they can be extra faceless and “soulless” to quote the movie. Every group of Persians so far has been wearing something to cover their face, with the exception of the very few (mostly black) men who get a speaking part and then get to die and/or be disfigured.
This is a figurine of the unmasked "immortal," but you get the idea.
64:43 Wait so Faramir knocked one of the “immortal” soldiers’ masks off and it was a troll-like creature underneath. What the hell is going on? This movie is mythical beast-monster after mythical beast-monster (and racist).
66:55 King Leonidas, a real historical figure, just stabbed an ogre in the eyeball. I feel like this movie has completely lost its grip.
68:56 Yup. Fassbender is too good for this movie.
69:25 WTF is up with all the metal for background music?
70:02 A giant rhino. I’m not even surprised anymore.
71:54 And now there’s a Sontaran with saw-fins for hands.
This is a Sontaran. It's a Doctor Who thing. Shut up.
72:15 Another dead black guy.
74:32 So much beheading. I knew that British kid would die.
76:01 And now there’s a goat-person playing some kind of instrument.
And a sexy armless lady.
I think Xerxes might be into some weird shit.
If you hold eye contact with a man while kissing another woman, you're probably faking it.
77:20 Those are some awfully modern stripper costumes these fake-lesbo harem girls are wearing.
77:49 Hideous man is so shocked by idea of getting pussy that he not only abandons his king but his entire civilization and immediately after getting rubbed up on by some strippers denounces his loyalty to Sparta and swears himself to Xerxes, agreeing to help him invade. Um. No.
82:22 Rape scene. Lovely. Had to get a full spectrum of unnecessary violence, didn't we.
87:11 Oh hey, Faramir is the narrator. I get it.
94:19 1. Wow, so deep. He raped her so she “raped” him back with the sword. Clever. That’s never been done before.
2. How is Ephialtes supposed to have fingers twice as long as a normal person’s?
94:53 ...Oh my god. Is that an actual Middle-Eastern man? With a speaking part and a visible face? Only took ‘em an hour and a half to get to one.
97:48 “His helmet is stifling.” *Helmet crashes to floor in slo-mo*
“His shield is heavy.” *Ditto shield*
106:30 Aaaaaaaaand topping it all off with Jesus imagery.
Well. That was just awful. I’m going to bed.
*Note: All screenshots from 300 are copyright property of Warner Bros. Pictures*