Maybe you’re the type who loves staying in bed after waking up or like to go back to bed during the day. Some of you probably like getting into bed early at bedtime just so you can do some reading or other activity like calling your mates. I do all that, sometimes. But there are certain things I just can’t do in bed. See whether my list matches yours.
Sit-ups: Yes, I tried to do sit-ups in bed because I hate lying on the floor. I just don’t like dust in my hair. I once read that sit-ups in bed are not safe for your back because the mattress is too soft. But I tried anyway. Nah, won’t be doing that one again.
Watch Criminal Minds, the series: I’ve always been into disgusting movies and books, the ones where they describe the scenes covered in human flesh torn open, and freaky criminals. I don’t mind sitting up and watching those. But for some reason, Criminal Minds is the one and only that I cannot watch in bed. It’s so well-scripted sometimes that I feel someone is going to come and torture me while I watch the episode. It’s weird, I know.
Eat breakfast: I can’t even allow anyone to bring food in my bedroom. It freaks me out because I think crumbs will be bait for bugs and other creatures that could come and eat me in my sleep. I grew up in a tropical country where every cockroach and their carnivorous lizard friends or mice could just slide through the louvres or under your door to come and nibble at you in your sleep. I’m still trying to get over that fear of being eaten alive. So when my husband suggests breakfast in bed when we’re on holidays, I think death-by-nibbly-lizard.
Paint my toenails: Oh Lord, whenever I try I end up with polish on the covers. I remember this one time when I was an undergraduate and I was putting on some pink polish while watching a late night show and as you know, these Americans can be funny. The sheet on my bed was white-ish. Well, more like ivory. And then the guy cracked a joke. I just couldn’t not laugh. And when one laughs one’s body shakes and that includes one’s hands and whatever’s the hands are holding, aka nail polish brush full of pink polish! Yah, and should I continue? Oh, I forgot, the sheet was brand new, too!
Talk to someone on the phone while lying down It’s just not right. Lying down and talking to your mother, brother or friend is weird. Lying down and talking on the phone is for lovers, not others. Too similar to the time when I was dating my man and talking about our likes and dislikes, and sweet nothings. Just weird.
Scratch my back: Have you ever tried scratching your back while lying dow? No? Then you’re weirder than me trying to reach and scratch my back! I don’t think humans were made to scratch in bed. I now just reach for a magazine or something that can be rolled up, or something long and thick, like a belt. But if the husband is home then of course I yell out “My back. Itchy. Scratch. Now. Ouch, not so hard! Who told you to stop? You’re missing the spot. Ooh that’s nice, ooh yeah!!”
Read notes without non-vocal music in the background when I’m studying:that’s purely asking for trouble. I can’t study without music and I totally disagree with any form of Applied Cognitive Psychology study that claim non-vocal music in your ear when studying makes you less productive. I have found that when I choose my music – trance mostly – I relax, and it doesn’t distract me at all, unless it’s someone else’s music and if I don’t like their choice of music. When studying in bed without my non-vocal music it means self-talk is louder. Self-talk can get monotone and send me off to fairyland. Not a good idea if I want to read to remember.
Think good thoughts about life, jobs and changes in my life: as soon as I start, I cry. I find a million things that offset my happiness and positive feelings. It’s just weird to lie in bed and think happy thoughts. Usually when you go to bed to think it’s about the thins that we can’t handle, need to change or can’t get back. You think bed is for forgetting, crying, sleeping on it and brooding. You don’t go to bed to think positive about a new birth, a graduation or your new car. That’s weirder than crying while having sex.
So there you go, my eight bed bugs.
What about you? Is there anything you just can’t do either in or out of bed?
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