Ah life as a mummy blogger...we share all the lovely experiences of motherhood for all the world to see, don't we?!
The cuddly sibling photos....the squeaky clean, well dressed, charming little ones...the cute little anecdotes...
But there are moments of my life - moments when my hair smells like baby sick or when I lick a stain on my t shirt to figure out if it's chocolate or poo - that I think to myself "Oh if those blog readers could see me now...."...
So why the hell not?!
Instead of any adorable photos or smug How To's today, I'm going to give you a little glimpse into my week instead.
These are just a handful of the "Really?" moments I've experienced this week....just a little taster of how life really looks at Chez Sparkles for you...
(Disclaimer: Please don't read this while eating your tea...I had to live it and I can assure you it's not appetising...)
1) Found out what's Noah's wee tastes like....
Have you ever changed a babies nappy but been so distracted by your toddler who's performing laps around the living room at a speed that Jensen Button would find impressive that you take just that moment too long to get that clean nappy on?
And you're not looking at what said baby is doing, because you're busy screaming at your toddler to SLOW DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...and then you feel it...something squirting at your eye...and instead of jumping backwards you make the mistake of looking down at the baby...with your mouth open...
#WhyDoesItTasteLikeFish?!
2) Had a poo with a toddler on my knee...
Yes, sorry to share, I'm aware it's TMI but I made the fatal mistake of not locking the bathroom door...and I soon found myself sitting there, mid-"Business", with my toddler having clambered up onto my knee and presented me with a book to read to him....Marvellous.
3) Basically hoovered the floor with my mouth...
At the end of a particularly long and exhausting day, after clearing away the toys and books from the living room of devastation, I noticed that Tyne had spilled quite a few of his chocolate buttons on the floor....so instead of getting the vacuum out or sweeping them up, I crawled along the floor on my hands and knees and popped every single one into my mouth....all the while questioning when exactly this had become an acceptable part of life for me....and I really enjoyed those buttons too! Apart from the one that I think was actually a bit of old play doh....
4) Used the phrase "Take those noodles out of your toes right now and just sodding eat them!"
Yes...this week my 2 year old used his evening meal of stir fry with noodles to invent a new game he called "Noodletoes"...no prizes for guessing what that is, it's basically shoving your foot into your plate and using your toes to fish out as many noodles as you can before presenting said foot before your bewildered and exhausted mother and shouting "LOOK MUMMY!!! NOODLETOES!"
Did I remove the foot-contaminated meal and give him something else? Did I hell! I'd just spent 40 minutes cooking it. I cleaned his foot off and told him the eat the sodding noodles. And he did. With his hands this time ... which was a minor improvement....
5) Drank from a snot infested glass
After about four hours of being awake and desperately wanting a drink, I finally got around to pouring myself a glass of juice. Typically - despite being asked if he wanted anything and despite having a big cup of his own drink in his hand - the toddler saw it and decided he wanted it. Not his own juice from his own cup...MY juice from MY glass RIGHT NOW.
So I gave him a sip...he took a big glug and paused...it took me a minute to work out what was going on but yep, he let out an almighty sneeze and snotted in the direction of my much yearned-for juice.
I had the option of tipping it away and walking all the way to the kitchen for more...but I chose to just drink it. I'm going to get the cold anyway, it might as well be this way....don't judge me....
6) Took a whole week to watch an hour long programme
I started watching last week's recording of The Apprentice on the thursday night...about 10 minutes into it Noah woke up....so I gave up and tried again the next night...about 20 minutes in Tyne woke up having a nightmare...so I tried again the next night and about 5 minutes in the phone rang...Long story short, I finally finished it last night...a whole week after I'd first started watching it...
7) Took 4 days from choosing a nail colour, to finishing my nails
I decided I wanted to pamper myself a bit this week (HA!), so one night I had a nice bath and picked out a nail polish colour...I even took off the remainder of the old nail polish before attempting to start painting them with the new colour (coz I'm fancy!) ... then I started painting, and Noah woke up...does this story sound familiar?! Yep...basically just follow the one above!! Long story short, 4 nights later I'd finally painted all 10 nails...the interim period of walking around with 4 painted toe nails felt like quite a Lady Gaga-esque fashion statement actually....
8) Experienced Force Feeding
I don't know if anybody elses kids have this problem, but Tyne has recently learned to share...which is a wonderful, it's a hard battle I've been fighting for around a year now and finally he understands how sharing works and has a new found passion for it!
Only he hasn't quite learned the whole "No means no" thing yet...in his keenness to demonstrate his new-found ability to share, he tends to randomly come up and shove various food items into my mouth both without warning and against my will. Usually such desirable items as a half chewed strawberry or a very moist, over sucked piece of chocolate. Yum.
So there we have it...an insight into the reality of my glamorous Pinterest-ready life...
What delights have you experienced this week?! As always, I'd love to hear from you!
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