These past few weeks have flown by so quickly, with so much living crammed into each hour of each day. And yet as I rush and work and grow, and watch everything around me grow, I'm finding it hard to find a sense of accomplishment. Its as if all of this work is turning the days into a blur, and the blurry days keep flying by. And meanwhile the list of things that must be done continues to grow, and I just can't see how I will ever be strong and efficient enough to get to the end of it. September, arguably the most beautiful month in New York City, is nearly over, and instead of getting out to enjoy it, I find myself running late to work and struggling to stay on top of laundry, and pushing the deadlines for my own business goals a little further away, again.
So many people told me when I was hugely pregnant with Biet that motherhood was going to be the hardest, but most gratifying, endeavor of my life. They told me that it was ok to be overwhelmed, to cry, to put my own life on hold for my child. They said that my days would be chaotic and my nights would be restless, and that it would be all I could do to get a shower in the morning. They told me to cherish every moment because it would be over before I knew it and my baby girl would be a resentful teenager. They all told me "Enjoy it, it goes by so fast." So many people felt they needed to prepare me for the great toilsome challenge of motherhood, and, truth be told, they worried me a bit.
And then I became a mother.
And I waited for the hardest challenge of my life. I had toughened myself up, had prepared mentally to deal with it all, but... it never came. I spent the first weeks at home with this brand new little life, taking it easy, resting, nursing, co-sleeping, healing, bonding. And then I continued on with my city life, wearing the baby everywhere I went. And it was great. It was almost, dare I say, easy. And I wondered why had not one person told me this side of the story? No one had told me how simple a new baby's needs are, how convenient it was to nurse, how easily you can adjust to being a family of three when you have a positive attitude and a loving partner. I feel as though parents feel a pressure and obligation to warn about the bad, while keeping mom about the good. Maybe I was lucky, but those first six months with my baby girl truly weren't difficult. Sure my sleep patterns and daily routines changed, but overall I felt that it was a wonderful transition into motherhood. As time went by and she grew into a mobile, eating, expressive person, it definitely became more work. It makes me realize how easy I had it in the early days.
Over these past few weeks though, I think I finally understand what everyone was speaking of. Now I know the feeling of wanting to sit down and cry because you know that there is no way on this great earth that you possess enough energy or patience or stamina to deal with all that you need to. I know what it is to want so badly to have yourself put together and have your home put together, to have your family fed and happy and the dog walked, and to have your own personal endeavors well on their way... when it is all you can do to get a shower in the morning. This month I truly understand the deep challenge of parenthood. And I know that it will pass.
I see these hectic days as a calling, to me, to my family, to find a new balance. I will be working out some details over the next few days to create new routines, changed responsibilities, and unified priorities so that our lives can settle into a more healthy and peaceful pattern. I miss moments of calm. I miss feeling on top. I must have that back, for my sanity. And I will.
I read Biet one of my favorite books (children's or otherwise) tonight before she went to bed, and the last line of the story was exactly what I needed to hear at the end of a long day. It sums up my feelings about the future so perfectly, so concisely. I needn't say more:
“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”
Thank you Mr. Seuss, for reminding me that I was born to move mountains. Everything will once again fall into its place, we will find our balance, and this autumn month will be remembered as a great challenge that our family overcame. I am certain.
And does motherhood go by so fast, as everyone says? I suppose you can ask me again in twenty years, but I have to say now that, to me, it all goes by in perfect time. It's not that time has sped up, its just that witnessing a person change so quickly in front of your eyes make you realize how slowly you yourself change. Unless you allow yourself to change along with them.
