A Husband and Wife at Midnight

{notes written on my phone last night at 12 a.m. as I was turning another year older}

We're talking about how my husband used to work at Chuck E. Cheese when he was 16 and had to dress up as Chuck E. Cheese now and then but couldn't live up to the other Chuck E. Cheese dresser-upper who used to be able to do flips and cartwheels while in character

But rest assured my husband could've beat that guy in arm-wrestling or a fist fight, he says (I believe him) The Black Keys are on No Reservations and one of them said they used to work in a restaurant where the owner did a lot of coke/ carried around a briefcase with a gun in it/ always went out back to shoot at a toaster

Me, my husband, and Anthony Bourdain think there is nothing wrong with the above sentenceHubby keeps saying I'm 30 but I keep saying I'm 24Really I'm 29 and on the brink of another midlife crisis about almost not being young anymore

We're drinking Alaskan Ales, my new favorite beer

My husband has chosen this moment to tell me that North Korea said they will demolish something to the effect of all their adversaries (my words not his)Cuz that's what I care about on my birthday babe

On your birthday I'm going to read you transcripts from episodes of Project Runway

I know I should care but I'm on the brink of a midlife crisisHusband wonders what I'll be like at 40I say worseHe says greatI say I want the book The Futurist Cookbook for my birthday - it costs $96, which both of us think is outrageous, but just when I thought he was gonna order it for me right here and now, he looked at me with his stupid crooked grin and said, "Wouldn't it be more touching if I made up my own absurd recipes and put em in a book for you?"

My husband's a foodie
I tell him that for his birthday I won't buy him tickets for a Cowboys vs Chargers game like he wants - instead he can watch me, our daughter, and our dog play with a rubber ball in our backyard

He thinks he's as charming as Whoever Dracher (or whatever) from Mad Men.Said Dracher Guy is on Jimmy Fallon right now giving me Happy Birthday winks and playing some card game with said host Jimmy Fallon in which whoever flips over the higher card gets to throw a cup of water in the other person's face !!! and we are seriously considering playing this fucking genius ass game for my birthday right now !!!!!Yes yes and yes yes!We are going outside with water fucking guns and we're gonna flip over cards and whoever has the highest card gets to shoot the loser with water!!!Not only do i get to shoot my husband in the face with water but loser always gives winner head in our house, so let's hope god is on my side on my birthday!It's the least you can do, god, for making me turn 29

{I didn't win. Happy birthday to him.}