If I may. *cough*
FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS THAT.
Moving on.
So for today, I've decided to take a page out of Allie Brosh's book and write a letter to something. This one is to my boobs.
Dear Boobs,
I address this to the both of you, Right and Left. I'd like you to know a few things.
First, I don't love Left more than Right just because she's significantly bigger, and I don't love Right more just because she has fewer pesky nipple hairs. I love you both equally, and you're both beautiful in your own ways.
Second, I'd like to thank you for your faithful service and perky attitude over the years. You've gotten me many things I wanted, such as dates and boning and other positive male attention (and some female as well). I also suspect you girls were working for me when I wasn't aware--I've been offered a suspicious amount of free things, and I never find it difficult to order drinks in a bar.
Third, you only hurt for a year or so while you were coming in, and then you decided to be soft and compliant and really quite un-whiny, and I'd like you to know that you saved me a lot of headaches that way. And even though you're large and a little heavy, you always keep your chin up! I like that about both of you. I never have to worry that you'll be droopy or sad.
The only complaint I would lodge with you is that you're so awesome, you attract men who are boob-fanatics, and then poor Butt doesn't get any attention. She's very sad and lonely, Boobs. Any chance that you could back off every once in a while, just a little, and let her have some of the glory? She's even been working out and dieting and all kinds of things to make herself more beautiful. I'm afraid you've both made her a little insecure. But I know you didn't mean to, so it's okay.
Kind regards,
Samantha
*